Script: Utterly Rucked, part nine

Thanks to Guy, the London KEAs (Kiwi Expat Army) Rugby Club now have a logo. There's even a jersey design to follow.

UTTERLY RUCKED 09
An Englishman, and Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar ...
by David Tulloch

Page ONE
Three players, the non-kiwi players in the team, bond after training with a beer in the hotel bar. They are Glyn "The Felsh Wanker" Davies (No.6) , Sebastian "Little Johnny" Latimer (No.10) and Paddy "Paddy" O'Connell (No.12).

1/1
Wide title frame to start. The three players, still sweaty from a training session, head into the bar without showering. These guys are all class.
TITLES
UTTERLY RUCKED
Part Nine, An Englishman, and Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar ...

Latimer: "That was a good training session."
Paddy: "Yeah ... but I mean, what's the point? We can't field a team now. We don't have enough players."
Davies: "Yeah. You boyos worried?


1/2
At a table in the bar with the beers
Paddy: "A little."
Latimer: "It's only been the kiwis so far. I think we might be safe."

1/3
Davies: "How you figure?"
Latimer: "Well, we're not really ex-pats like the rest. You're a Welshman, Paddy's a Irishman, and I'm English."

1/4
Paddy: "What about Scotty? He's from Glasgow."
Latimer: "Yeah, but he was born and raised in Dunedin."

1/5
Davies: "You really think whoever's doing this only wants to kill the locals?"


Page TWO

2/1
Latimer: "I'll cling to any hope I can get. I only joined this team because they trained just once a week. I haven't got a drop of kiwi in me."
Davies: "Expect maybe a drop of Cheryl's juices."

2/2
Latimer: "Eww. Not me, I'm always protected."
Paddy: "Maybe that's what we need. Some protection."

2/3
Latimer: "Like what?"
Paddy: Like a gun.
Davies: "Jeez, Paddy ... this is the middle of nowhere, New Zealand, not Texas. Where are you going to find a gun?"

2/4
Paddy: "I have my ways. You just got to find the right kind of people. Every town has some. I bet I can lay my hands on a shotgun by dinnertime."

2/5
Davies: "I'd feel safer if you DIDN'T have a gun, Paddy. You're not the safest pair of hands."
Paddy: "Fuck off, mate. If the killer comes after you you'll be begging for me to blast him full of lead."
Latimer: "Knowing you, you'd shoot yourself in the foot."


Page THREE

3/1
Patton comes in.
Patton: "Hey lads, good hustle out there today."
Davies: "Cheers, General."
Latimer: "Yeah ... cheers."

3/2
Patton: "Look, I know everyone's on edge. But we're in the middle of the wops now... I'm sure where safe out here."
Paddy: Well, we could always be safer. Excuse me gentlemen, but I've got to go see a man about a dog.

3/3
Patton: What's up with Paddy?
I think he's off to get some protection.

3/4
Patton: "Where's he going? There's a condom machine in the toilet."


Page FOUR

4/1
Patton walking through the hallway of the Hotel. Melanie Jensen, the daughter of Wayne and Cheryl, is walking down the hallway in the other direction.

4/2
Patton: "Hi, Mel. Have you seen your Dad?"
Mel: "Not since we got here."

4/3
Patton: "Hey, Mel. Has your Dad been acting odd lately."
Mel: "How would I tell? He's always odd."

4/4
Patton: "Yeah. I mean odder then."
Mel: "What? You think he's the pyscho?"

4/5
Patton: "Well, ... maybe."
Mel: "My Dads a lot of things ... but a killer? I just don't think he's got it in him."

4/6
Patton: "They always say it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for."
Mel: "Yeah ... I guess. I'll keep an eye on him."


Page FIVE
5/1
Patton: "Thanks Mel. Hey, how old are you now?"
Mel: "Eighteen last month."

5/2
Mel actually blushes.
Patton: "Really? I must say ... you're looking good lately. You're really growing up well."
Mel: "Um ... thanks."

5/3
Patton: "Come to the bar sometimes. I'll buy you a drink."
Mel: "'k."

5/4
Patton: "See you around Mel."
Mel: "Bye."

5/5
Mel with a smile on her face as Patton walks away.

5/6
Mel going into the door to her room.

Page SIX

6/1
Mel rummaging in her suitcase.

6/2
Mel pulling out an art book with some newspaper pages stuffed inside.

6/3
Mel cutting out something from one of the newspapers with some scissors.

6/4
We see what she is cutting, a press piece from some small press newspaper about the London KEAs tour ...

The newspaper text is as follows (but we don't need to see all of it, it can be angled so words are cut off).

A BALMIER ARMY
Watch out New Zealand, you're being invaded ... by your own.
The Kiwi Expat Army is coming. Also known as the London KEAs Rugby Club.The team heads off on a four week tour of New Zealand this week.
Starting in Wellington, the KEAs will travel the length and breath of the island nation playing against small local clubs in a series of friendly but highly competitive matches.
Team captain, coach, tour organizer and openside flanker, Glen Patterson, known to his teammates as General Patton, tells the Standard that the tour is about pride.
"A lot of the blokes back home think you go soft when you move over to the UK. We're going to show them that an expat take on the Northern Hemisphere style of rugby is more than a match for they way they play back home ..."

6/5
... she is cutting out Patton's head ...

6/6
And she pastes it into a page full of Patton heads. Make sure the scissors are visible in this frame, lying on the page.

Next: Scissors Move

London KEAs logo by Guy Landry