UTTERLY RUCKED 21Logo by Guy "We beat the Russians" Landry
by David Tulloch
Patel and Patton running to the hotel.
Patton: "Why would Mel want to kill us?"
Patel: "I barely know you and I want to kill you."
Patel: "Maybe she's just sick of seeing you all use her mother and father."
Patton: "What? None of us have ever fucked Wayne ... "
Patton: "... Oh, God! Are some of my team poofters? Is this some bizarre gay sex cult thing?"
Patel: "It's not always about sex, Mr Patterson. There are other ways to use someone."
Patel with her cellphone out in the foreground. In the distance ahead they can see smoke billowing from the hotel, because Mel recently lit a fire.
Patton: "What's all that smoke?"
Patel: "Damn. Just what we need. I'll call the fire brigade ... you go on."
Meanwhile, back in the hotel. Roll call: Sgt. Bell, Latimer (10), Housden (13), Pike (16) 'Little Willy' Williams (17), Patton, Burnsie and an police officer are alive in the room, for now.
In the crowded room with the players, the cops and Wayne and Cheryl Jensen.
Wayne: "Are you saying my wife has committed acts of adultery?"
Bell: "Please Mr Jensen, just calm down."
Finally, a chance to use one of the all time classic kiwi joke lines ...
Housden: "Jeez, Wayne, you'd have to be blind not to notice what Cheryl's been up to. The woman's insatiable."
Wayne: "Just what are you saying?"
Cheryl: "He's saying I've been screwing the whole team for years ... "
Cheryl gets slapped by Wayne.
Cheryl: "... and I've loved every single fu ... "
Part Twenty-one, Professional Foul
Bell: "Please Mr Jensen, refrain from hitting the prisoner, or I'll be forced to arrest you as well."
Wayne: "How could you Cheryl?"
Mel in the doorway of the room.
Wayne: "How could you sleep with other men?"
Latimer: "Um ... hi, Mel."
Wayne: "Oh? Hello Melanie."
Male: "Hello, Dad."
Mel looks at her mother in handcuffs.
Mel: "Hello, Mum."
Burnsie: "Um ... sorry about your parents, Mel."
Mel: "Not as sorry as I am."
Bell: "Okay ... Time to make this official. I'm taking Mrs Jensen to the local station to be processed."
Cheryl: "But I didn't do anything."
Housden: "Hey, we want a piece of her first."
Latimer: "C'mon, let's us rough her up a bit, Sarge. She killed our mates."
In the background we see Mel has the bag of weapons from episode 19, and is looking inside.
Bell: "You can't seriously think I'd let you molest a prisoner."
Latimer: "I said rough her up ... we've been molesting her for years."
(silent laughs from others in room.)
In foreground Wayne is bitch slapping Latimer, who pushed him away. Mel is strapping on a belt with large knife in the background.
Wayne: "Why you ... you cad!"
Latimer: "Sod off, Wayne. Christ, you hit like a girl."
Mel is putting on some spiked gloves in the background.
Bell: "Gentlemen, please calm down. I'm escorting the prisoner out of here."
Housden: "Cheryl always wanted to be an escort."
Mel is holding a throwing dagger, judging its weight. The team members are looking over at the door where Patton has just arrived.
Housden: "Hey, it's the General."
Latimer: "Welcome back, Patton. How was the date?"
Large panel of Mel looking the business, all decked out with weapons and holding a throwing dagger menacingly. The others in the rooms all following Patton's pointed arm as he tries to make them aware of the real killer.
Patton: "Guys ...(puff) ... guys ... Mel ... "
Wayne: "Melanie. What are you doing with all of those sharp things? They belong to your mother.
Patton: "(puff) No ... Mel ... (cough, hack) ... Mel's the ... killer.
Most of the room does not believe him ... at first.
Cheryl: "But she's just a bookworm."
Mel: "Shut up, Mum. Better a boring bookworm than a harping harlot."
Mel doing that cocking her head to one side in thought thing she did a while back, but still with the throwing dagger ready.
Mel: "Now ... where was I?"
Mel throws the dagger which hits Housden (No.13, the centre) in the chest to the horror of those present in the room.
Housden falls over so the number 13 on his jersey is visible. The others look terrified.
Mel: "Oh look! Got you right in the Centre."
Next: Last Minute Substitute