Sunday, January 31, 2010

Virginity For Sale ... Steaming Hot Virginity For Sale



Why pay for advertising when you can get it for free? The media will happily give you free publicity if you dangle a juicy, sexy, salacious story their way.

So I Need, a struggling TradeMe rival, has a 19-year old woman selling her virginity to the highest bidder. Or is she? Bidding is private, so while the listing says the "highest bidder" will win Unigirl's virginity, she(?) doesn't have to accept any bids.

I Need has only a few hundred 'auctions' active, maybe less as their listing numbers are not accurate. For example, their "personal" section has 11 listings, but when you follow the link it turns out there are only 3, one of which is the "Relationship For Sale" of Unigirl.

No picture is offered for this auction (you can't see the goods upfront) so the NZ Herald article on this sex-filled story used a picture of a woman in fishnet stockings adjusting high heels with the filename 'Parlour_220x147.jpg' ... implying the editor dredged a stock pic from the prostitution file to illustrate the plight of the "cash-strapped Kiwi student". Classy.

The Herald also had a related article link to a 'report' about a 26-year old Auckland Christian, Melanie Clarke, who informs us her virginity is priceless. In Melanie's case a photo was included. Look but don't touch. This is cutting-edge journalism! Who knew there were Christians out there who felt strongly about sex and virginity?

The whole thing has the feel of a stunt. Unigirl was not accepting requests for interviews, which suggests she isn't really serious about promoting the sale. Surely if she wanted top dollar for the goods she'd grab the media spotlight with both hands and shine it directly between her legs?

The stunt gives I Need some much needed publicity. Unfortunately the lack of substantial listings on their site will mean it doesn't get them many new members. I predict Unigirl's 'auction' will disappear without the world discovering if there was a successful sale. The media will go look for sexy stories elsewhere. University fees will continue to rise with all the serious consequences that implies. Serious consequences that just aren't sexy enough to make the papers.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Impressions from a few days in wine country


  • 'wine country' is a phrase that defines more and more of New Zealand. Soon every square inch will be devoted to grapes, olives or avocados.
  • BBQing in a thunderstorm was a crazy idea.
  • BBQing in three thunderstorms was just pure stubbornness. It was summer dammit. We were going to have a BBQ every night no matter what.
  • a horse-drawn carriage ride is a great way to go from winery to winery.
  • A ukulele is fun to travel with. Takes almost no room, and isn't too loud.
  • The Imperial March from Star Wars sounds beautifully wrong on a ukulele.
  • Any place you stay in that gives you a dozen fresh eggs everyday is a great institution.
  • I cook eggs in a large variety of ways, but the best is the soft-boiled.
  • I don't want to have eggs for breakfast for a while. Too many eggs ... yummy, yummy, free-range eggs ...
  • The sun is not my friend.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Script: W.A.S.P. episode THREE

The third installment of W.A.S.P.

I've been away for a few days, so excuse the lack of posts. I'll have something tomorrow.

World Animal Space Patrol THREE
I Want My Mummi


BTW: check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Animals_in_space for details on the actual space animals this is based on.

PAGE ONE
This is a 2x3 panel page with the first 4 panels showing a fish in special bowl inside a space station,

1/1
[ She was the first fish in space. Back in '73. ]
A fish bowl in space with Mummi, the mummichog.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mummichog
The bowl is a modified astronaut helmet, with little thrusters for moving about in space.

1/2
[ She liked it. And it liked her. ]
Another view of the bowl.

1/3
[ For to Mummi, space become a friend. A living entity. A companion. ]
And another.

1/4
[ She could communicate with it. Understand it. Scan it. ]
And another.

1/5
[ And in return it enriched her. Informed her. Protected her. ]
A shape visible behind the bowl, distorted by the water and bowl. The shape is a space-suited chimp, who we meet later in this episode, but for now you don't want to show that clearly.

1/6
[ But space always has its surprises. ]
A gloved hand (spacesuit gloves) in the bowl about to grab the startled mummichog.


PAGE TWO

Page with two small panels across, then a full width panel with titles.

2/1
A space shuttle type craft about to dock with the international space station. I figure no-one else is really using the international space station, so our animals friends are. Speech bubble from the space ship.

From space shuttle (Hiro): "Cheer up, friend Horst."

2/2
Horst and Hiro inside the shuttle, docking with the space station.
Horst: "Sorry, Hiro. I'm a bit ... how you say? Down in the dumpster."
Hiro: "Ham's death was hard on you."

2/3
Hiro is loading cartons of fish food onto Horst's back. So he's standing with all four feet on the ground like a real turtle. There's at least a partial W.A.S.P. logo in the area they are in.
Horst: "If only my Shell Shield power was bigger I may have saved him."
Hiro: Do not beat up on yourself, old friend. You did all you could."


PAGE THREE
3/1
Hiro walking (hopping?) while Horst carries the fish food cartons on his shell.
Hiro: "Hey, Mummi. We're home with the shopping (hee hee)!"

3/2
Her empty bowl.
Hiro: "Mummi? You there?"
Horst: "(gasp) She's gone!"
TITLES: I Want My Mummi

3/3
Alien in a doorway.
(off) Hiro: "What the ... ?!?"


PAGE FOUR
4/1
Horst uses his shell shield (the force shield he generates that radiates out from his shell, so it is like a second shell of force energy, while Hiro shelters behind.
Zap! Zap! (from the alien) some of which bounces off Horst's shield.

4/2
Hiro leaps over Horst in kung-fu style. Horst still using his shell shield ability.
Hiro: "Hi-ya!"

4/3
And Hiro kicks the alien, breaking either some part of the alien's suit (helmet if they have one) or just giving it a really good kicking. Nice large action frame.


PAGE FIVE
5/1
Hiro standing on top of the downed alien. Horst coming into frame.
Horst: "We'd better call Albert."

5/2
Horst talking to Albert via videophone.
Horst: "... there was only one onboard."
Albert (on phone): "Must have been left behind as a rearguard."

5/3
Close up of the videophone screen with Albert.
Albert (on phone): "Mummi is vital to W.A.S.P. There's no telling what the aliens have done with her."
(off): "They haven't done a thing ... "

5/4
A shadowy figure holding something. Just who and what becomes clear in the next frame, but in this frame both should be darkened out so only the shapes are there.
"Mummi's right here ... "


PAGE SIX
6/1
Large panel. The shadowy figure holding something is revealed as a chimp in a spacesuit, with helmet off, looking very much like Ham. However, this chimp has the name tag Enos, and has a NASA logo on his suit rather than a W.A.S.P. one. The object he is holding is Mummi, the fish, in a plastic bag, just like the cliche fairground way of storing fish. Horst and Hiro should be partially visible in the frame, perhaps as silhouettes in the foreground or off to one side.
Enos: "... with me."
Horst: "Mein Gott! Ham? Is that you?"

6/2
Enos in close up, make sure we can see his name tag, Enos.
Enos: "Ham? No, I'm not Ham. But how is he... ?

6/3
Enos, Hiro and Horst all in frame. Enos speaks, while the others look shocked.
Enos: " How is my brother?"
Put exclamation marks !! above Horst and Hiro.

NEXT: ENOS' HEAVENLY MUSIC EXPLORATION

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Script: W.A.S.P. episode TWO

The second six-page episode of W.A.S.P.

A script looking for a home/artist. A new episode will be blogged each week.

Love, death and fleas in space.

World Animal Space Patrol TWO
The Factory of Fatal Fembots



PAGE ONE
1/1
Felicette, the french cat talking to a videophone on which we see Albert. Albert is wearing a dark, sombre suit. See the previous episode for descriptions of the characters.
Felicette: "Looking sharp, mon cher. What's the occassion?"
Albert (on videophone): "Ham's funeral."

1/2
Felicette: "Pardon! My condolences."
Albert: "Yeah. I need you to investigate some unusual power readings that Mummi has detected from the space station."

1/3
Albert: "They originate from China, so take Mao with you."
Felicette: "Meowrrr!"

1/4
Albert: "I don't care what your personal issues are, just do it."
Felicette: "Oui!"


PAGE TWO
Title page.

2/1
Large frame with TITLES (World Animal Space Patrol) and the squad Felicette has assembled. Put name blocks of text for each one. The logo should be visible somewhere, maybe they are all walking past it.
The squad is: Felicette; Sterling, the psionic moss; Hiro, the Japanese treefrog in his sumo pants; Drossie, the swarm of intelligent fruit flies; and Mao, the Chinese mouse in his communist-era cap. Positioning and body language should show that the cat and mouse do not get along.

2/2
Smaller frame of a fast airplane, one of those lear jet kind of things, winging it's way to China.
(from Plane) Felicette: "Mummi pinpointed the power surges to a factory near Nanjing."

2/3
Felicette addressing the squad in the plane. Make her standing in the aisle with the others in seats.
Felicette: "Let's be careful. We don't need any more dead heroes."


PAGE THREE
3/1
Aerial shot of the factory, with a speech bubble coming from close by, as our squad begins their infiltration.
(Felicette, but not visible in the frame due to scale: "Hiro, knock down that door."

3/2
Hiro, the bullfrog in his sumo pants, bashing down a factory door.
Hiro: "Hai!"

3/3
Felicette opening a container that contains the swarm of fruit flies.
Felicette: "Okay, Drossie ... scout the place."
Drossie (the swarm should have several starting points for the bubble, but all going to the one bubble: "I'll be back!"

3/4
Mao the mouse pointing over to a factory office. Which is an enclosed area with a door and a window with blinds. Maybe show Drossie in the background going away into the factory.
Mao: "There's an office just over here."

3/5
Wider frame to finish the page showing the squad (minus Drossie who is scouting) going through the office for clues. Felicette is carrying Sterling, the moss.
Felicette: "Look for anything suspicious."
It's an office with a desk, comfortable chair behind the desk, and a wooden one in front. A lamp, some filing cabinets which some of the squad are going through. Make sure Sterling the moss is visible on the desk. The desk can have some papers and files on it. Also make sure the door is open.


PAGE FOUR
4/1
Drossie flies back in through the door.
Drossie: "Um, Boss ... Say hello to my little friend."

4/2
A fembot coming toward the door.
Fembot: "Would you like a cocktail?"
Felicette (off) 'What is that?"
The fembot should be a sexy android, probably in a uniform, such as a french maid, nurse, schoolgirl, etc. There will be more to draw, and these can be in the other uniforms.

4/3
The fembot, close up with a focus on the fembot's hand with normal female sized nails that click out with a {Cl-chink!} to be about 4+ times longer. Don't go too long though.
Fembot: "Would you like a massage?"

4/4
Hiro slams the door shut with a body slam.
Hiro: "Whatever it is, it is not friendly."

4/5
Felicette looking out of the window with the blind, doing the pulling the blind to one side thing.
Felicette: And it's not alone!
Drossie: "They're heee-re!"


PAGE FIVE

5/1
Large wide panel of the office being beset with the fembot smashing through the windows, bashing in the door that the sumo frog is holding up, and making holes in the walls through which arms and legs come through. The fembots utter various lines that are visible as speech bubbles coming through the cracks and holes.

Felicette: "Mon dieu! There are hundreds of them!"
Drossie: " "Fasten your seatbelts, it's going to be a bumpy night."

Fembot: "How about a refill?"
Fembot: "Would you like a hot towel?"
Fembot: "Care for some mixed nuts?"
Fembot: "Would you like fries with that?"
Fembot: "Let's all go have a spa."

5/2
Hiro still holding the door, but only just, bits of the door have broken away and fembot hands and feet are poking through
Hiro: "I can't hold them for much longer!"

5/3
The fembots are coming in through the window as well.
Felicette: "They're breaking through the window."
Dossie: "That's it man! Game over, man! Game over!"


PAGE SIX
6/1
Sterling, the moss sitting on the desk, speaks.
Sterling: "Drossie could fly inside the robots?"

6/2
Felicette fighting off a fembot that has broken through.
Felicette; "Of course, Drossie, get into them and switch them off."
Drossie: "Once more, unto the breach, dear friends."

6/3
Albert on the videophone, Felicette at least slightly in frame so we can tell she is talking to him. We can't see all of here, and she is lying down in a relaxed pose, as the later panels explain.
Albert (on videophone): "Good work, Felicette. So you shut down all the alien fembots?"

6/4
A fembot approaching. Again we can't see all of the cat, but we still see Albert on the videophone. The fembot on the other side of the videophone screen. We can't see all of the fembot either, so we can reveal the true nature of the scene in the last panel, but we can see it's hand doing the extended nail trick again.
Felicette: "Well ... "
Fembot: "Would you like a cocktail? Would you like a massage." {Cl-chink!}

6/5
Wide panel to finish. Felicette lying down, with a cocktail, and doing that cat back stretch thing as the fembot scratches her just right on her back above the tail. She is smiling.
Felicette: " ... I got Drossie and Sterling to reprogram one of them ... for study purposes."

NEXT: I WANT MY MUMMI

Script: W.A.S.P. episode ONE

Okay, I'm going to put weekly scripts up on this blog in the vain hopes someone will be entertained or inspired enough to (a) draw them, or (b) buy them, or (c) pay me to write something else.

Below is W.A.S.P. episode ONE again, reblogged for indexing purposes. Above (blog-wise) will be episode two, and I'll post about one a week. I have five written now, and have started on a couple more. I have a vague idea where it's all going, so writing these six-page episodes will be a bit of a journey for me as ago.

Animals with ray guns in space ...
World Animal Space Patrol ONE (draft)

An excuse to draw aliens, ray-guns, and animals in spacesuits.

A six-page intro episode about a collection of 'real' space-going animals who have been grouped into a kind of animal justice league. The art for the animals can be realistic if you like, but would probably works better if at least some are done in that kind of comic-book animal-human blend that is everywhere. But however it is done some animals exhibit very human characteristics and behaviors.

There is a lot of scope for further episodes. You would not believe how many kinds of animals have been sent into space.


PAGE ONE
The first page has no animals on it. Rather it starts off like a 'normal' story.

1/1
[The Chinese were the first to detect the death ray on the far side of the moon. ]
The moon with a small satellite/craft visible traveling close to it. The satellite is Chinese, they are sending a lot of things up to the moon lately, so if any writing or symbols are visible on the satellite make them Chinese.

1/2
[ Naturally they blamed the Americans. ]
Chinese man at a podium talking tough in political mode.

1/3
[ The Americans said it must the Russians. ]
US president in press conference waving his fist.

1/4
[ The Russians assumed everyone else was plotting against them. ]
Russian guy raising both fist in the air.

1/5
[ But eventually they figured out it was something else. ]
Larger panel showing the floor of the UN, with all the countries in session.
[ So they called us ... ]


PAGE TWO
TITLES: The World Animal Space Patrol
Full page of TITLES, the W.A.S.P. logo, and several of the animals posing with spacesuits and ray-guns.

Okay ... lots of explanation needed here.
This is a group of made-up super-animals, but all based on real animals that have actually been in space. The untold backstory is that when they went into space some of the animals came back with mutations that gave them super-powers. Many of them act human, but others still seem very animal in their ways.

The logo of W.A.S.P. The World Animal Space Patrol should be a cartoon wasp with a space helmet and that sort of elliptical space trail you see in so many space logos, such as the NASA logo. You can also have the W.A.S.P. letters as well.

The animals depicted can be any of the ones listed below, although you may like to make most of them the ones in this or the next story. However, the main one in the middle should be ...

Albert, a male rhesus monkey, but in clothes with a pipe. He's the wise old leader of group. Albert (actually Albert II) was one of the first animals in space, traveling in a modified V2 rocket in 1949. Make him a stereotypical old guy in terms of dress, but he's a monkey. Thick glasses, suit with patches on the elbow, maybe holding a book or file of papers, and a pipe.

Felicette, a female french cat. Again, stress the french stereotype in her dress and pose. Felicette was probably the first cat into space, launched by the French in 1963. Official sources say it was Felix, but it seems likely that the male cat ran away and was replaced with a female. Anyway, she considers herself a French femme fatale, but also a liberated female. Maybe a stripy black and white stylish dress. You can have her smoking if you like. Have her posing with a ray-gun. (Note, at time of near death she changes gender, so from Felicette to Felix ... kind of a nine lives sort of thing).

Laika, the female Russian dog. The first animal in orbit, in 1957. That kind of attractive russian woman in fur type you see in spy movies, but a dog. She is always arguing with Felicette. She talks in old communist phrases. Have her resting a paw on the shoulder of Albert, who she has some kind of a relationship with. Called a variety of affectionate nicknames by Albert ... Little Curly, Little Bug, Little Lemon (all actually nicknames of the real dog).

Horst, the male Tortoise. Launched by the Soviets in 1968, we can make him (East) German, because of the name (he was a Horstfield's tortoise). He returned from space with super-speed, for a tortoise. So he's almost as fast as the other animals. He does have some other powers, such as increased strength and a shielding ability.

Two female spiders, of unknown nationality, Anita and Arabella. (Skylab 3 in the 70s). They now have super strong webs that will be used in the first story.

Mummi, a fish (a mummichog) that is a motherly influence in W.A.S.P. Have her in a bowl made from a astronaut's helmet. The helmet can move on little rocket motors when in space.

Bull the male, American frog. A redneck frog (from the 1970 space motion sickness experiments).

Mao, the Chinese mouse, in that old communist-era green cap with red star.

A swarm of fruit flies, collective know as Drossie They came back from space with the ability to pass on all their gathered knowledge to their offspring, and hundreds of generations later have memorized all sorts of things, but have a fondness for movie quotes. (first living things in space, 1947)

Sterling, a super-intelligent, psionic moss. Yes, they sent moss into space. Sterling is a moody, tortured genius with telekinetic powers.

Hiro, a male Japanese tree frog in a sumo 'nappy/underwear' loincloth outfit

Also;
a Parasitic wasp.
a newt
a snail
a sea urchin
a Mexican moth (Cydia deshaisana)
a South African flat rock scorpion
a Madagascar hissing cockroach
a Stick insect
Two more russian dogs, Belka and Strelka
and Ham the US chimp, who dies in the first episode.
(and many more if needed, guinea pigs, quail, amoebae, beetles, fungi, ants, bees, silkworms, more monkey and chimps, and even Mexican jumping beans ... ).

Okay. That was a lot to take in. So pick your faves, or the ones in this script, and drawn them posing with astronaut gear and ray-guns under the titles and the W.A.S.P. logo.


PAGE THREE
3/1
Spaceship heading to the moon. Make it something normal-ish, like the space shuttle or an old Apollo module.
Radio transmission from the spaceship: "Good luck, Laika. Your squad will be dropped just short of the far side."

3/2
Laika the russian female dog talking on a videophone to Albert the monkey.
Laika: "Don't worry, comrade. It will be a walk in the cake."
Albert in radio transmission bubble: "A cake-walk? Maybe. Just come back safe, you crazy Russian."
Also in the squad in the spaceship are the two spiders, Anita and Arabela. Horst the German tortoise. Ham the American chimp. Not that you have to show them in this panel, but you need to show them at some point in this page. You can show Ham to be American by a flag on his spacesuit.

3/3
One of the spiders asking a question of Laika. Maybe have the spider dangling down into the frame.
Anita: "Are we taking the rover, Major?"
Laika: "Da. We may need to get out again in a hurry.

3/4
Laika talking to the squad, Ham the chimp being a little exuberant.
Ham the chimp: "I call gunner."
(Laika): "Just remember the safety switch this time!"


PAGE FOUR
4/1
A moon rover racing across the moon's surface. You don't have to show details, but Horst is driving, Laika shotgun, Ham on the rover's mounted machine gun in the back, like a military jeep. Speech bubble from the rover.
Laika: "Just over this rise."

4/2
The rover being a small speck, with a large death ray on huge tank tracks.
(Ham): "Wow! That's bigger than Texas!"

4/3
Horst the tortoise and Laika. Laika has the two spiders with her.
Laika: Ham, cover us from the rover. Horst, with me."
Horst: "Jawohl."

4/4
Ham shooting at a couple of aliens with big rayguns from the rovers machine gun. Make the aliens anything you want, but something with tentacles is always good.
Ham: "We got company, boss!'


PAGE FIVE
5/1
Everyone hiding behind moon rocks to take cover from the alien fire, except Ham who is still blazing away from the rover.
Laika: "We need to take down that death ray before they attack Mother Earth."

5/2
Close up of the two spiders on or near Laika.
Arabella: "How about the old tractor pull maneuver, boss?"
Laika: "Da! Great idea. Horst, give us cover!"

5/3
Horst the tortoise creates cover for Laika by making a kind of force shield that radiates out from his shell, and deflects the alien blast rays. Laika uses this cover to get up and prepare to throw both of the spiders.

5/4
Laika throwing the spiders over the death ray with a super throw, but also in low gravity. The spiders leave a trail of silk behind them.
Laika: "Happy landings, leggy friends."

5/5
Laika pulling on the silk that now goes over the death ray.
Laika: "Help me pull, Horst."

5/6
Horst and Laika straining on the silken ropes...
Horst: "It's coming ... "


PAGE SIX
6/1
The death ray collapses on top of the aliens.
{KERR-SPLAT!!!} or some other sound effect noise.

6/2
Laika looking pleased, slapping Horst on his shell.
Laika: "Excellent work, comrades!"
(off) Anita: "Laika, come quick ... It's Ham."

6/3
Ham dead on the ground, a blast to his chest. Laika's head and feet visible in the side of the frame as the team look down at Ham's body.
Laika; "Ham...?

6/4
Larger frame of Laika holding the dead Ham in the classic pieta pose used by so many comic artists. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PietaPlagiarism has a couple of classic examples.
Laika: "NOOOOOOO-OOH-OOH-OOOOOOOOWW!"


NEXT: THE FACTORY OF FATAL FEMBOTS

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Robbin' John the Hood and his Band of Merry Businessmen



How Robbin' John shifted the tax burden to the poor.

In Merry Aotearoa in the time of now, when good King Rob McLeod chaired the round table, there lived near the green blades of grass of the Beehive Lawn a famous outlaw whose name was Robbin' John the Hood.

No person ever lived that could keep such a happy smile on his face while stabbing you in the back. Nor were there ever such yeomen as those in the caucus that roamed the corridors of power.

Right merrily they dwelled within the dark labyrinth of the Beehive, suffering neither care nor want, but passing the time in merry games of lawmaking or bouts of tax reform, living upon the fat of the land, washed down with expensive wines and spirits (unless a photographer was around, in which case they drank beer from the bottle like a good kiwi bloke).

Not only Robbin' John himself but all the band were outlaws and dwelled apart from other men, yet they were beloved by the electorate for they focused on populist issues such as tougher sentencing for criminals, reducing benefits to the undeserving, and the dangers that boat people represented.

Now Robbin' John and his band of merry businessmen lived by a strict code, whereby they would only take from the poor and give to the rich. This they did through means most devious and cunning. So cunning, in fact, were the ways that Robbin' John and his men used to take money from the underclass of Aotearoa that the poor often applauded him and hailed him as their champion. After all, he had such a nice smile, and he told them that everything he was doing was good for them.

So it chanced on one fine summer's day, while Robbin' John the Hood was walking merrily through the Beehive thinking of his beloved Maid Sharples, and his beloved Maid Rodney (sometimes it's best if you promise to marry two maids, as that way you can play them off against one another. And who knows, thoust may even convince them to stop squabbling and co-operate in a three-way) when he chanced upon his good friend Little Bill.

"And where art thou going now, my good lad?" asked Robbin' John of Little Bill.

"Um ... I've was just headed back to the office to do some work, John. Are you alright?"

"Why dost thou ask?" replied Robbin' John.

"Well, you normally wear a suit, not a green outfit and tights. And you're speaking funny, even for you."

"Ha ha ha," laughed Robbin' John, in that particular forced laugh of his. "I'm fine, my loyal minion. I'm dandy. But we strive to take more money from the poor and give it to the rich."

"And how do we do that, John?"

"That's easy, Little Bill. A group of noblemen, from the county of Taxworkinggroup-ingham have sent a herald with a long scroll detailing ways we can reform the tax laws of the land. First, we must lower taxes on that which one earns. The more one earns, the more one will gain from tax cuts."

"But won't that mean we take in less money? How will we finance all those populist projects we need to have in order to remain in power?

"Never fear, Little Bill. The honourable men of Taxworkinggroup-ingham have a solution."

"Just where is that place? Was this something you picked up on your junket to the U.S.? Is it near Houston?

Robbin' John ignored the question of his companion and continued to spell out his cunning plan.

"The solution is to raise that most noble of taxes, the Gee of Ess Tea."

"Raise G.S.T. Why, that's brilliant, John."

"Aye, it tis. It tis."

"Tis?" said Little Bill with a quizzical look.

The Gee of Ess Tea was a traditional boon dating from the days of yore when King Douglas sat on the throne after locking up the rightful (or is that leftful?) rulers in a dungeon of their own making. Whenever a subject of Aotearoa purchased a good or a service they were required to give twelve and a half cents on the dollar to the King (or Queen). As the nobles of Taxworkinggroup-ingham knew, by it's very nature the Gee of Ess Tea was a tax that benefited those who had more at the expense of those who had less. Why, their own calculation, computation and mystical divining had determined that buying food alone accounted for 20% of the total of the Gee of Ess tea.

"The larger the percentage of your total income that is taken up by essential food purchases, the worse off you are," said Little Bill in his own made-up language. "So the less you earn the greater your tax burden will be as a percentage if G.S.T. is raised. When you factor in alcohol, cigarettes, petrol, Sky Sports subscriptions, and other so-called essentials for the Hoi Polloi ... well, to but it bluntly, we'll be screwing the plebs like never before."

"Your words are strange and crude to me, Little Bill, but I think I understand the jist of your meaning. Indeed the people will bleed slowly dry by this new arrangement."

"But how will we maintain our popularity?" asked Little Bill. "What if our opponents challenge us? What if our allies oppose us? What if the people work out that we are screwing them royally?

"Fear not, Little Bill. I have answers to your barrage of ill-thought out questions."

At this, Robbin' John the Hood took up a heroic pose in the dimly lit corridors of power, his legs wide, his hands on his hips, his chest thrust out, the bulge in his tights barely visible in the florescent flickering. His stare was fierce but non-directional, his smile fixed and insincere, his voice weak and weedy.

"First, we shall maintain our popularity the same way we always have, through cheap poorly conceived populist policies whose long-term consequences are undetermined but likely to be negative."

"Secondly, our opponents are weak and divided. Why I happen to know that the one who shadows your own position, David of Cunliffe has said he will merely consider the report of the nobles of Taxworkinggroup-ingham and only urged caution in the softest of tones. The ones who call themselves Green in colour and philosophy are concerned that we are not adding in another tax on the environment. Our other opponents are inconsequential."

"Thirdly, our allies, the Maids Rodney and Sharples, are too busy competing for my attention to pose a threat. Why dearest Rodney has already told me how much he likes my plan, his eyelashes a flutter. And as for the hairy peach that is Maid Sharples, why the only concern on those luscious lips was that the proposed land tax might be unfair to Maori.

"But the majority of Maori don't own much if any land??" said Little Bill.

"Tis true, Little Bill. The trappings of court have changed the Maid Sharples and the lady in waiting. Once you experience the good life there's no going back."

"As they say," interjected Little Bill, "power corrupts."

"Absolutely," agreed Robbin' John. "As for your fourth question, Little Bill, the masses are just that. The masses. They are the suckers that P.T. Barnum told us are born every minute. They will applaud the tax cuts, even though for them it will mean a few dollars a week, while for you and me and the band of merry businessmen the same cut will give us hundreds every seven days."

"They see the Gee of Ess Tea as a fair tax, a system that is the same for all. They cannot be bothered to, or just cannot, do the calculations that would show them that the more you earn the less as a percentage your burden is under that noble system. They are sheep, willingly queuing for the slaughter, offering us the wool on their backs as they march up the ramp in unison to the blade."

"Wow!" exclaimed Little Bill. "You've really gotten melodramatic since that appearance on Letterman. Cynical too. TV really changes people."

And with that Robbin' John the Hood pressed his thumb to the UP button, waited for the magical doors to open, stepped inside the levitating chamber and ascended to his throne, content with his works.

Apologies to Howard Pyle 1853-1911, whose out of copyright version of Robin Hood was maimed and defiled in the making of this blog entry.

Monday, January 18, 2010

... blowing in the wind



The media, and the public, have a love/hate relationship with wind farms, as some recent articles suggest (see below for links).

When wind farms are being planned in an area the media seems to paint them as a bad thing. The 'visual pollution' of a wind farm is seemingly more problematic that the hidden pollution of leaking diesel, distant coal mines, or stored nuclear waste. What will this do to our views, they ask?

When a wind farmed project is stalled or blocked, however, then that's also usually a bad thing in the media. Does this mean we will be forced to use more coal-fired power stations to feed the ever-increasing demand for power? Without the wind power how will we cope, they ask?

When a wind farm opens it can be a good or a bad thing. I was almost surprised at how positive the media has been over the new Antarctic wind farm opening. If there ever was a pristine wilderness that could be visually polluted by large turbines, surely it's the Antarctic. However, it seems that diesel spills on snow are not as invisible as diesel spills on grass and mud, and there are still plenty of unspoiled views in a continent as large as Antarctica.

A recent piece in Vermont's Burlington Free Press website, spelt out clearly the problems with wind farms in the public mind.
We humans experience our surroundings in large part with our eyes, so it is not surprising these large and highly visible machines elicit visceral reactions. We can't tuck them away behind pine-tree hedges in industrial parks.
The aesthetics of power generation may be the biggest hurdle to changing the way we power our lives.

It's easy to be offended by a large smokestack belching black smoke into the environment. It's also easy for people to get upset by a tower expelling clouds of harmless water vapour. Visually they seem too similar for most people to differentiate. Indeed, I have seem water cooling towers issuing steam used on TV news to illustrate pollution. TV never lets reality get in the way of a good visual. They look bad, so they are bad.

Unfortunately, so much of the pollution of current power generation is less visual. Out of sight is out of mind. People don't tend to trek to industrial parks for a picnic or hike. Wind farms suffer from the overlap of their ideal locations with popular human recreation spots.

Wind farms seem to polarize people. I personally have been captivated by the spinning, hypnotic blades. They represent something better than the alternatives in my mind. To others they are an eyesore, a blight upon the landscape. There is also a strong popular belief that wind farms cause distress to animals and humans, cause everything from sleep problems to internal and mental illness, and are expensive and inefficient.

Solar farms face similar issues, as large scale arrays are in essence an angular and sterile desert of black or silver. They are a geometric imposition upon the land. But at least they can be hidden from public view more readily than the pointy wind farms. Tidal power is critiqued in similar tones, an ugly man-made imposition into the beautiful seas. Never mind the sewage pipes hidden from view, those we can't see so we don't care so much.

The human aesthetic of natural beauty has given us some wonderful things, but it can also be a limiting factor in our attempts to more away from conventional power generation.

Links
http://www.reuters.com/article/idUSN1521025920100115
http://pacific.scoop.co.nz/2010/01/commissioning-of-antarctic-wind-farm/

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/greenpolitics/planning/7004551/Wind-farms-could-blight-one-in-six-beauty-spots.html
http://www.burlingtonfreepress.com/article/20100117/LIVING09/1170304/Learning-to-look-at-wind-turbines-again
http://www.evwind.es/noticias.php?id_not=3473

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Straitjacket Ninja script, episode 25



Here's a Straitjacket Ninja script. Although it's a bit of a tease as the bound berk only makes a cameo appearance in this one. It's scheduled to be the 25th six-pager in the series, should we be lucky enough to ever get that far. Simon called it juvenile, which I'm going to take as a compliment. No animals were harmed in the writing of this script.

SN25: Pigeon-toed
Occurs while the straitjacketed one is 'resting' from injuries received in a previous episode, so he only appears as a news bulletin TV flashback. Instead we introduce a new, ill-fated 'superhero' who will have an impact in the Ninja's life.

Page ONE
1/1
A boring man with a comb-over on a soapbox ranting on about something ignorantly. There are BNP (Boring Natter Party) banners and signs, and a small crowd of mostly uninterested bystanders.
[ What makes a person go public with their convictions? ]
Boring man: "They are the ones that are doing this to you. They are responsible for everything that is wrong with our society today."

1/2
The boring man drones on ...
[ What makes a person proclaim judgment on others? ]
Boring man: "They are the ones making our street unsafe, taking our jobs, lowering our house values."

1/3
A strange man in a badly put together homemade superhero outfit jumps up next to the speaker clutching a terrified pigeon in one hand. He is a superhero known as The Pigeonholer, and this is his origin story.
Boring man: "They are all around us ... what do you want?"
Superhero (Pigeonholer): You, sir, are a pathetic, ignorant, arrogant windbag!
[ What makes a person stand up for what they think is right? ]

1/4
The strange homemade superhero shoves the pigeon, bum first, into the mouth of the boring speaker with appropriate expressions from both the speaker and pigeon.
Superhero (Pigeonholer): "... and you have been pigeon-holed!"
[ What makes a person shove a pigeon into someone's mouth? ]


Page TWO
2/1
Large title frame. Another reaction shot of the boring man with the pigeon now flying free of his mouth, but leaving behind presents. A couple of the bystanders look on, with one commenting about the action.
Bystander: The words that came out of his mouth always were shit and feathers.
TITLES: Pigeon-toed!

2/2
Smaller frame showing the Pigeonholer running off, leaving behind chaos in his wake.
[ In the case of Nigel Francis Shumaker, the reasons are simple enough ... ]

2/3
Focus on the deranged face of the Pigeonholer ... he is middle-aged man who has had a simple, boring life ... but has suddenly altered his life to become the champion of justice and good taste ... the Pigeonholer!
[ ... if somewhat convoluted and disturbing. ]


Page THREE
3/1
Large frame of the guy in the bad superhero costume, but this time as a boring filing clerk dressed in a sleeveless sweater. He has a comb-over, and generally looks like a boring kind of guy. He is sorting mail into a wall of pigeonholes in an office; that is a wall of square boxed shelves large enough for mail and other items to be put into them. The boxes all have a name label below, although we don't need to read them all.
[ Shumaker was employed as a filing clerk for a legal firm, Richardson, Norse and Button. He sorted mail, collated papers, and filed it all efficiently. ]

3/2
Nigel (aka the Pigeonholer) still sorting, but turned to talk to a business-suited man with hat and brolly who has arrived at the wall of pigeonholes to get his mail.
[ He knew everyone, and they knew him. ]
Man in business suit: "Morning, Nigel. Anything for me today?"
Nigel: Just the usual, Mr Button.

3/3
Close up on Nigel, who isn't as boring or well-adjusted as his looks might suggest.
[ He knew them all a little too well. ]
Nigel (thinks): "The usual perfume-dowsed love letters from your mistress, threats from your creditors, and balance statements from your illegal offshore accounts."
[ All their little foibles, corruptions and crimes. ]


Page FOUR
4/1
Nigel looking horrified as a large box labelled "Sort-o-matic 2000" is handed to him.
[ Then came the day they replaced him ... ]
[ ... with a machine. ]

4/2
Nigel looking bored, sitting at home with his wife visible in the background talking at him. Nigel isn't listening.
[ He didn't know what to do with himself. ]
[ His wife suggested a hobby. ]

4/3
Nigel getting frustrated with postage stamps and losing it a little.
[ He tried stamp-collecting, but it reminded him of his old job, and when he thought of his old job he became bitter and angry. ]

4/4
Nigel staring out the window. Have a pigeon or two roosting nearby.
[ He stared out the window. ]
Pigeon: Coo!

4/5
Nigel watching a TV report on Straitjacket Ninja. A headline like; Nutty Ninja kicks crime!
[ He watched the news channels. ]
[ He liked the man who kicked bad guys. ]

4/6
[ Because Nigel knew there were bad guys everywhere.]
[ Bad people who just went about their bad lives as if all their bad actions were normal. ]


Page FIVE
5/1
Nigel making his costume.
[ Nigel didn't tell his wife about his new hobby. ]

5/2
Nigel putting on pieces of his costume.
[ She didn't ask. As long as it kept him busy. ]

5/3
The wife not looking as our costumed Pigeonholer goes out the door. She is busy doing something, such as dishes, or reading a book, or making a cup of tea, or something.
[ When he told her he was going out she was actually relieved. ]
Wife: "It'll do you good to get out and about, dear."

5/4
Our hero, Nigel, hiding in the upper shadows on a pigeon populated building, looking down on the street below. We see Mr Button from page three walking with his annoyed wife.
[ It didn't take him long to find bad people. ]
Button: "You've got it all wrong, baby. She means nothing to me."


Page SIX
6/1
Button and his wife, still talking and walking. He is winning her over with his sly charm. In the foreground, ahead of the walking couple, have a puzzled pigeon being held held in the hand of the off panel Pigeonholer.
Button: You're the only one I love. Besides, you really don't want to divorce me. I'm broke. You'd get nothing.
Pigeon: coo?

6/2
The pigeonholer confronting a perplexed looking Mr Button, a confused pigeon ready in one hand.
Pigeonholer: You, sir, are a lying, cheating, fraudster who speaks out of his nether regions.
Pigeon: coo?

6/3
The payoff panel, larger than the rest, of the Pigeonholer shoving a pigeon where the sun don't shine. Mr Button has a very uncomfortable and surprised look on his face. I'd suggest drawing this so that while it is obvious where the pigeon is going it isn't actually shown.
Pigeonholer: Feel the pigeon of justice!
Pigeon (off): Coooooo!!!

6/4
Smaller frame of the pigeon flying away in the foreground (so we can see it's safe), and the Pigeonholer running away in the background. In the middle ground you can have Mr Button clutching at his backside in pain.

NEXT: Legging it

Friday, January 15, 2010

Script: The Man Who Saved The World

Here's another script in search of an artist. This time a short, one-off, six-pager. It has aliens in it, and explosions, but is in these regulated times somewhat politically incorrect.
THE MAN WHO SAVE THE WORLD
Six-page one-off comic script.

PAGE ONE

1/1
Outside shot of a bar in the middle of Nowhere.

1/2
An old man being served a drink by a bartender. The old man starts to light up a cigarette. Make sure there's a no smoking sign visible in the bar somewhere.
Bartender: "Hey, Pops, there's no smoking in here."

1/3
The old man pauses, not quite lighting his cigarette
Old man: "You should show more respect, Sonny..."
"Don't you know ... I'm THE MAN WHO SAVE THE WORLD."
TITLES ... the main title can be the speech bubble from the old man with large words for the title bit.


PAGE TWO
2/1
Old man: "I'm gonna tell you a story, Sonny, and then maybe you'll let me have my smoke."

2/2
Bartender "I'll listen, gramps. It's a slow day. But it's no smoking in here."
Old man: "We'll see. Back in the day I worked for the government. Nothing special..."

2/3
[ "... just one of the people that stayed near the president." ]
Younger version of the man in a suit, next to the president.


2/4
[ "I carried the suitcase sometimes. Yeah, THE suitcase." ]
Carrying the suitcase with the button, handcuffed to his wrist.

2/5
[ "Although mostly I just told him how his hair was, if his shirt was untucked, or if was time for lunch." ]
The suited man holding up a mirror for the president to pose at.

2/6
[ "I was with him when the aliens showed up." ]
A flying saucer over the White House.



PAGE THREE
Nine panel 3x3 page.

3/1
Back in the bar.
Bartender: "Aliens?! You're crazy, old man. There are no aliens."

3/2
[ "Oh, there's aliens alright. Ugly, smelly sons of slime balls with tentacles and death rays." ]
A suitable alien.

3/3
Bartender: "Sure, ya old coot ... and the government hushed it up, right. Ha!"

3/4
Old man: "Of course. You think the president would admit he surrendered Earth to aliens?"

3/5
Old man: "But he didn't really have a choice. Not after they'd blown up Sheboygan."

3/6
Bartender: "Now I know you're crazy ... I've got an aunt in Sheboygan."

3/7
Old man: "Seen her recently?"
Bartender: "Actually, ... no."

3/8
Bartender: "People would notice if Sheboygan was blown up!"
Old man: "You sure about that, Sonny?"

3/9
[ "Anyway, the surrender ceremony was long and boring ... ]
The mothership.


PAGE FOUR
One larger panel across, then three smaller panels below.

4/1
[ "Speeches about the nobility of surrender, and how hard humans would work in the galactic slave mines for their new overlords." ]
Formal speeches on the mothership with aliens and humans.
[ "And it was very nerve wracking. We knew if anyone said anything stupid these aliens could destroy the planet." ]

4/2
[ "So I did what I always do when I'm nervous ... " ]
The suited man sneaking out.

4/3
[ "I went somewhere quiet and had a smoke." ]
Lighting up.

4/4
Being discovered by an alien with a ray gun.
Alien: "Halt, earthling! What device do you have there."

PAGE FIVE
Another nine panel, 3x3 page.

5/1
Suited man: "It's just a cigarette."
Alien: "Is it some kind of weapon?

5/2
Suited man: "No, it's a cigarette, a smoke. It's a ..., well, it relaxes me."
Alien: "Oh ... "

5/3
Alien: "... can I have one?"

5/4
[ "It turned out the aliens were just as on edge as we were..." ]
Offering the alien a cigarette ...

5/5
[ "Apparently the last time they'd taken over a planet someone hit the wrong button... " ]
... lighting the cigarette for the alien.

5/6
[ "... and instead of balloons and streamers falling from the ceiling they'd incinerated all the foreign dignitaries." ]
Sharing a joke while smoking together.

5/7
[ "It also turned out the aliens loved cigarettes..." ]
Other aliens also taking cigarettes from the suited man.

5/8
[ "Seems the Ammonia, Benzene, Carbon Monoxide and other garbage in smokes was like fresh air for them." ]
Several aliens smoking.

5/9
[ "Reminds me of a summer breeze on the old home world, one of them told me." ]
The suited man talking friendly-like with the aliens while smoking.


PAGE SIX
6/1
[ "So they tore up the surrender treaty and we signed a trade deal instead." ]
Alien and human shaking hands formally after signing deal.

6/2
[ "That's when governments all started banning smoking everywhere ... to reduce the earthly demand..." ]
The no smoking sign in the bar.

6/3
Back in the bar, the old man talking to the bartender.
"Why else would politicians do something as unpopular as telling people not to smoke? Heck, they gave up all that tax as well, just so we'd be able to meet the demand from the aliens."

6/4
The old man getting ready to light his cigarette.
Old man: "Anyhow, that's how I saved the world... so can I have my smoke now, Sonny?"

6/5
Bartender: "Um, sure, mister. Maybe I should have one of those as well."
Old man: "Oh no, my boy, these'll kill you ..."

6/6
Old man smiling a smokey smile.
Old man: "... just not as fast as a death ray."

###END###

Thursday, January 14, 2010

For want of a nail ...



I've always like tales that link odd things together, so a recent news item caught my eye. (http://www.stuff.co.nz/environment/3219022/Monster-trout-catches-are-fur-real) It went something like this ...

In Fiordland, NZ it's a mast year for the beech forests, which means they have dropped record numbers of seeds.

Mice have been gorging themselves silly on the beech seeds, and producing large litters of little mice, so there are record numbers of mice in Fiordland.

Mice swim. This is something I'm a little dubious of, as I was under the impression that mice avoid bodies of water if at all possible, but we'll run with it for the sake of the story. There are large numbers of mice swimming in Fiordland's rivers.

Trout eat mice. Again, this is something I was unaware of. Trout, it seems, will eat anything. Mice are a good source of protein. A high-mouse diet makes for fat trout.

Fishermen in Fiordland are catching record trout, as they have grown large on their high-protien soggy-rodent meals.

So there you go, a mast year in a beech forest gives you record-breaking trout. Although I'm still dubious of the swimming mice part of that chain of consequences. Maybe there's an aquatic mouse breed that has evolved in Fiordland? Soon they will invade our homes by swimming up through the sewers and up through our toilets.

It all reminds me of the old proverb ...

For want of a nail the shoe was lost.

For want of a shoe the horse was lost.

For want of a horse the rider was lost.

For want of a rider the battle was lost.

For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.

And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Script in search of an artist

Here's a script for part one of a continuing story, six-pages long. Animals in space, ray-guns, aliens with tentacles ...

Love, death and fleas among the stars.
World Animal Space Patrol ONE

An excuse to draw aliens, ray-guns, and animals in spacesuits.

A six-page intro episode about a collection of 'real' space-going animals who have been grouped into a kind of animal justice league. The art for the animals can be realistic if you like, but would probably works better if at least some are done in that kind of comic-book animal-human blend that is everywhere. However it is done some animals exhibit very human characteristics and behaviors.

There is a lot of scope for further episodes. You would not believe how many kinds of animals have been sent into space, and I have created back-stories for most of them ;)


PAGE ONE
The first page has no animals on it. Rather it starts off like a 'normal' story.

1/1
[The Chinese were the first to detect the death ray on the far side of the moon. ]
The moon with a small satellite/craft visible traveling close to it. The satellite is Chinese, they are sending a lot of things up to the moon lately, so if any writing or symbols are visible on the satellite make them Chinese.

1/2
[ Naturally they blamed the Americans. ]
Chinese man at a podium talking tough in political mode.

1/3
[ The Americans said it must the Russians. ]
US president in press conference waving his fist.

1/4
[ The Russians assumed everyone else was plotting against them. ]
Russian guy raising both fist in the air.

1/5
[ But eventually they figured out it was something else. ]
Larger panel showing the floor of the UN, with all the countries in session.
[ So they called us ... ]


PAGE TWO
TITLES: The World Animal Space Patrol
Full page of TITLES, the W.A.S.P. logo, and several of the animals posing with spacesuits and ray-guns.

Okay ... some explanation needed here.
This is a group of made-up super-animals, but all based on real animals that have actually been in space. The untold backstory is that when they went into space some of the animals came back with mutations that gave them super-powers. Many of them act human, but others still seem very animal in their ways.

The logo of W.A.S.P. The World Animal Space Patrol should be a cartoon wasp with a space helmet and that sort of elliptical space trail you see in so many space logos, such as the NASA logo. You can also have the W.A.S.P. letters as well.

The characters in this episode, who are only a small fraction of the total, are ...

Albert, a male rhesus monkey, but in clothes with a pipe. He's the wise old leader of group. Albert (actually Albert II) was one of the first animals in space, traveling in a modified V2 rocket in 1949. Make him a stereotypical old guy in terms of dress, but he's a monkey. Thick glasses, suit with patches on the elbow, maybe holding a book or file of papers, and a pipe.

Laika, the female Russian dog. The first animal in orbit, in 1957. That kind of attractive russian woman in fur type you see in spy movies, but a dog. She is always arguing with Felicette. She talks in old communist phrases. Have her resting a paw on the shoulder of Albert, who she has some kind of a relationship with. Called a variety of affectionate nicknames by Albert ... Little Curly, Little Bug, Little Lemon (all actually nicknames of the real dog).

Horst, the male Tortoise. Launched by the Soviets in 1968, we can make him (East) German, because of the name (he was a Horstfield's tortoise). He returned from space with super-speed, for a tortoise. So he's almost as fast as the other animals. He does have some other powers, such as increased strength and a shielding ability.

Two female spiders, of unspecified nationality, Anita and Arabella. (Skylab 3 in the 70s). They now have super strong webs that will be used in the first story.

Ham the American chimp, who is rash and head-strong (and short-lived).

So while there are plenty others in W.A.S.P. stick with these ones for now and draw them posing with astronaut gear and ray-guns under the titles and the W.A.S.P. logo.


PAGE THREE
3/1
Spaceship heading to the moon. Make it something normal-ish, like the space shuttle or an old Apollo module.
Radio transmission from the spaceship: "Good luck, Laika. Your squad will be dropped just short of the far side."

3/2
Laika the russian female dog talking on a videophone to Albert the monkey.
Laika: "Don't worry, comrade. It will be a walk in the cake."
Albert in radio transmission bubble: "A cake-walk? Maybe. Just come back safe, you crazy Russian."
Also in the squad in the spaceship are the two spiders, Anita and Arabela. Horst the German tortoise. Ham the American chimp. Not that you have to show them in this panel, but you need to show them at some point in this page. You can show Ham to be American by a flag on his spacesuit.

3/3
One of the spiders asking a question of Laika. Maybe have the spider dangling down into the frame.
Anita: "Are we taking the rover, Major?"
Laika: "Da. We may need to get out again in a hurry.

3/4
Laika talking to the squad, Ham the chimp being a little exuberant.
Ham the chimp: "I call gunner."
(Laika): "Just remember the safety switch this time!"


PAGE FOUR
4/1
A moon rover racing across the moon's surface. You don't have to show details, but Horst is driving, Laika shotgun, Ham on the rover's mounted machine gun in the back, like a military jeep. Speech bubble from the rover.
Laika: "Just over this rise."

4/2
The rover being a small speck, with a large death ray on huge tank tracks.
(Ham): "Wow! That's bigger than Texas!"

4/3
Horst the tortoise and Laika. Laika has the two spiders with her.
Laika: Ham, cover us from the rover. Horst, with me."
Horst: "Jawohl."

4/4
Ham shooting at a couple of aliens with big rayguns from the rovers machine gun. Make the aliens anything you want, but something with tentacles is always good.
Ham: "We got company, boss!'


PAGE FIVE
5/1
Everyone hiding behind moon rocks to take cover from the alien fire, except Ham who is still blazing away from the rover.
Laika: "We need to take down that death ray before they attack Mother Earth."

5/2
Close up of the two spiders on or near Laika.
Arabella: "How about the old tractor pull maneuver, boss?"
Laika: "Da! Great idea. Horst, give us cover!"

5/3
Horst the tortoise creates cover for Laika by making a kind of force shield that radiates out from his shell, and deflects the alien blast rays. Laika uses this cover to get up and prepare to throw both of the spiders.

5/4
Laika throwing the spiders over the death ray with a super throw, but also in low gravity. The spiders leave a trail of silk behind them.
Laika: "Happy landings, leggy friends."

5/5
Laika pulling on the silk that now goes over the death ray.
Laika: "Help me pull, Horst."

5/6
Horst and Laika straining on the silken ropes...
Horst: "It's coming ... "


PAGE SIX
6/1
The death ray collapses on top of the aliens.
{KERR-SPLAT!!!} or some other sound effect noise.

6/2
Laika looking pleased, slapping Horst on his shell.
Laika: "Excellent work, comrades!"
(off) Anita: "Laika, come quick ... It's Ham."

6/3
Ham dead on the ground, a blast to his chest. Laika's head and feet visible in the side of the frame as the team look down at Ham's body.
Laika; "Ham...?

6/4
Larger frame of Laika holding the dead Ham in the classic pieta pose used by so many comic artists. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PietaPlagiarism has a couple of classic examples.
Laika: "NOOOOOOO-OOH-OOH-OOOOOOOOWW!"


NEXT: THE FACTORY OF FATAL FEMBOTS

I'm writing episode six at the moment, with plans for about twenty or so overall. If there's anyone out there interested, drop me a line. Keep Watching The Skies ... for fleas.

Monday, January 11, 2010

It's funny 'cause it's true



Quote of the year so far (yes, I know it's early) goes to my wee daughter.

In response to my wife's admonishment;
"I'm not your slave."
She replied;
"You were yesterday."

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Cherry 2000 versus Frigid Farrah


Building on yesterday's blog, finally another of those much wanted items of future tech that Hollywood promised me as a kid is here. Sex robots have arrived. Cherry 2000 is a reality.

Roxxxy is five feet, seven inches tall, weighs 120 pounds, and is made by TrueCompanion. Roxxy isn't their first attempt at a sex robot, there was Trudy in 1993, but Trudy wasn't as "user friendly" as Roxxxy is. Roxxxy is customizable, internet connectible, and has moving 'inputs'. She also has multiple personalities.

The designer, Douglas Hines, asked himself that age-old question; "wouldn't it be great if I could create a robot with artificial intelligence and have it hold someone's personality and preferences - this way, we could talk to the robotic version of that person and ask it questions whenever we wanted"?

Questions such as can you spread your legs wider, or do you like it rough? No, you actually chit-chat with Roxxxy about cars, sports, etc. That's just what everyone wants to do with their sex toys, right? I discuss Descartes with a dildo, don't you?

So, Roxxxy, how about them Raiders? Did you hear that rain last night? Have you seen the Picasso exhibit that's in town? Why do you think all my friends laugh at me? Why am I so alone? Is this knot going to hold my weight when I kick the chair away? How many days do you think it'll be before they find my body?

Roxxxy comes programmed with five distinct named personalities, each with their own ways of responding to you. Wild Wendy is outgoing. Mature Martha is, well, older. S&M Susan likes B&D. There's a young, naive personality I couldn't find the name of, but probably comes with bobby socks and a lollipop. Then there's Frigid Farrah. That's right, you can set your sex robot to frigid.

This raises one big question. Who the hell would spend a shit-load of money on a robotic sex slave and set her to the Frigid Farrah personality?
"Have you met my new sex robot. She cost a pretty penny, I can tell you. About ten G's after sales tax. She's top of the line, though. Her name's Farrah."

"Wow, how does she feel when you, you know ... do her?"

"I have no idea, she won't let me touch her. She says I'm not good enough for her. Calls me a loser."

"Um ... you paid ten thousand dollars for that?"

"It's less than my first marriage cost me, Bob. Much less."
As the movie Cherry 2000 taught us, even Melanie Griffith is better than a sex robot. Now that's a sobering thought.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Coming right at ya



I have noted with interest the reactions to the Avatar movie that various Facebook friends have had. The visuals get rave reviews ... it's awesome ... spectacular ... then there's usually a pause before they talk about how cliched the storyline was, and how much the 3D glasses annoyed them.

Avatar shows that you don't need a good story to become an award winning movie (does anyone doubt it will sweep the Oscars?) and that despite the 'sea sickness' effect some noted with the 3D it's a gimmick whose time has finally arrived.

Sony plans to launch eight models of Bravia 3D TVs this year, ESPN is launching a 3D sports channel, and DirecTV, the big U.S. satellite TV provider, has three 3D channels due for release in 2010.

Along with hovercars and cities on the moon, holo or 3D TV was another of those broken promises of my childhood. We had no Moonbase Alpha in 1999. There are no Jetson-like traffic jams in the sky. But now we get to have the fun of 3D viewing of our soap operas and reality shows.

The 'sea-sickness' effect some viewers of recent 3D movies have spoken off can only enhance upcoming episodes of 3D Survivor, 3D Coronation Street and 3D Rock of Love. Finally we can experience the same queasiness the drunk women that throw themselves at Brett Michaels are feeling.

I look forward to the 3D News, with the latest shocking headline just jumping out of the screen, terrifying us in new exciting 3D ways. Home Invasions will seem three times as bad when a recreation actor swings a hammer towards us with brutal force. Teen drinking stories will benefit from 3D projectile puking. Tsunami's will appear to be sloshing through our living rooms.

Finally the future of my past has arrived. 3D TV is here. Although I don't remember Luke having to wear silly coloured glasses to play holo-chess in Star Wars. They must have edited that out. Maybe Lucas will put them back in when her remasters the new version of Stars Wars so we can all see Greedo firing first in full 3D glory.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Tiger's actual problem



Thanks to Fox News analyst Brit Hume we now know the real issue of Tiger Woods adultery and subsequent fall from grace in the public eye. The problem is that Tiger's a Buddhist. Hume said he didn't "think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith".

Tiger's problem isn't that he cheated. Tiger's problem is that his philosophical view doesn't allow him to move beyond it.

Hume has put his finger on the great attraction of U.S. brand Christianity. The public brand of faith that Americans adhere to gives the worshiper a perpetual Get Out of Jail Free Card, and if you are a public figure you may get to advance straight to Go and collect $200 million dollars as well.

American Christianity is the whiter-than-white brand of religion, washing your life sparkling clean of all stains if you publicly go through the spin cycle for all to see. Look at George W. He had an alcohol addition and used illegal drugs on a regular basis for years. You'd think that would preclude a political career. But, bingo, presto, change-o, he gets born again and his past life is gone, twirling down the sinkhole with the other stains and grey water of his old life. God forgave him, folks. That means you have to as well. Or are you better than God? Didn't think so.

W. was even guilty of that most unforgivable of sins in the U.S. public consciousness; he was a failed businessman. He had an appalling record of collapsed and bankrupt companies. In a country that worships business success with perhaps more overt frenzy that it does God, where the almighty dollar and capitalism are as iconic as the cross, failing in business again and again is a cardinal sin. Bingo, presto, change-o.

Brit Hume has a point. Plenty of other public figures in the U.S. have been caught cheating but have all turned potential career ending infidelities into mere road bumps by invoking the forgiveness of God. The sin isn't the problem. Adultery is almost expected of public figures. Babe Ruth, Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, JFK, David Letterman, Jimmy Swaggert ... these are just the tip of the penis-shaped iceberg of those who have cheated on their wives and yet remained famous and even beloved by the American public.

No, Tiger's problem is that he is unable to forgive himself. He is trapped within his own Buddhist mind, seeing himself as unworthy and unforgivable. He sees the fault for his indiscretions are lying entirely within himself. He needs the cleaning action of U.S. brand Christianity to wash those sins away and leave him if not whiter-than-white, then at least a smooth shade of brown.

If Tiger were to become a Christian, as Hume would have it, he would then be able to demand forgiveness from the public, as once God forgives someone the rest of us are compelled to follow suit least we look like heretics.

Go on Tiger, give it a go. Let forgiveness into your life. Not forgiveness from your wife, your mistresses, your friends, your sponsors, your fans, or anyone earthly, but rather forgiveness from a higher, more powerful, incontestable source. After all, if you continue to blame yourself and stay out of the golf arena we all lose. Let Brit Hume's God wash you clean and tumble dry your image.




Also check out the Tiger Woods as Role Model website. How history makes fools of us all ...
Tiger thinks that being a good role model to others is even more important than his golf. He thinks his golf is just a vehicle for him to influence people. He wants to influence kids in a positive way. Tiger feels that's what it's all about ...

Tiger says that his religion [Buddhism] has given him self awareness. He says his religion has taught him that he is here to work on flaws in his personality ...
It even contain the address of his fan club.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

It's your fault



Like most people I'm sick to death of hearing about the economic crisis we've been going through. Even the news that the economy is recovering is greeted with minimum enthusiasm.

Meh. Things were bad. Now they are a bit better.

However, the one thing that does interest me in any crisis is assigning blame. And it is crystal clear who is to blame for the recession and the slow recovery. You.

That's right it's your fault. It's your fault we got into the recession, and it's your fault we were slow to get out, and it's your fault we are not recovering fast enough.

For a start, you're not spending enough. Shame on you.

You need to buy more luxury items to help stimulate the economy. But all this talk of doom and economic gloom has made you hesitant in your purchases.

Maybe I'll wait until things are better before replacing the washing machine, you think to yourself. After all, when it really starts to move on the spin cycle it can be rather pleasant.

Well, that's the kind of attitude that doomed us to some extra seconds of recession. You should be out spending money on new appliance, including sex toys by the sounds of it, you frustrated freak.

But it's not just your lack of spending that makes the recession your fault. Oh no. You also have not been saving enough of your income. How could you? You sir or madam, are worse than Hitler.

If you don't save just the right amount of your income you doom us all to a lingering recession. Of course, you can save too much, just ask the Chinese government, who are desperately trying to pry money away from their stingy emerging middle-class. The bastards save as much as 50% of what they earn. How's an economy supposed to be stimulated with that going on?

So you see, it's all your fault. You're not saving enough. You're not spending enough. And if you have a mortgage you're even worse. I mean, locking up your equity in housing contributed to the housing bubble. You utter shit. Have you no concern for others?

So, if you're not saving about 30% of a rather large income, and spending the other 70% on frivolous consumer items while living in a cardboard box ... we'll you're just not a fully functioning member of our capitalist economy and should be arrested forthwith for being a communist and shot.