Friday, February 12, 2010

Script: Utterly Rucked, part eight

Another episode, another grisly death, another really bad pun.

Against the Feed
by David Tulloch

Page ONE

Still inside the brothel from last episode. The madam, an aging sex-professional, is banging on the room of room 3. Patton is walking down the corridor, with his arm around one of the prostitutes.
Madam: "Time's up. I'm not warning you again."

Patton patting the arse of the prostitute goodbye as he turns to talk to the madam.
Patton: "Is there a problem?"
Madam: "One of your lot is overtime ... He'll have to pay for another hour."

Patton taking cash out of his wallet to give to the madam. There's another prostitute walking in the hallway, the same one that told Hooky to take a shower in the previous episode.
Patton: "No problem. He can take all the time he wants."

The madam talks to the 'shower' prostitute, Darla.
Madam: "Darla ... I thought you were in there with the client."
Darla: "Nah, one of the new girls swapped for him."

Page TWO

Madam: "What new girl"?
Darla: "I dunno, but she was an odd one. Bit crazy if you ask me. Had a mask on."

Patton reaching for the door handle of room 3 with a worried look on his face.
Patton: "Oh crap!"

Patton utters a line that is meant as a reference to a great NZ comic, as he sees the fate that has befallen Hooky. Hooky is suspended above the bed, obviously dead. He is held by a (possibly unseen) hook in his arsehole, which has then been tied to a rope, then to the roof, so he is above the bed. He has then been killed by various wounds upon his body.
Patton: "Jesus on a stick!!!"


3/1 A bus, taking the team (and Burnsie and the ref and his family) to Eketahuna. It can have 'Eketahuna' on the front destination nameplate.
(from bus): "Let me get this straight ... "

Burnsie on the bus sitting with Patton.
Burnsie: " ... the hooker, Hooky, was killed with a hook in a house of hookers? Man, that's really driving the point home."

Patton with a pained expression on his face.
Patton: "Oh, don't say that."
Burnsie: "Why not?"

Patton: "Well, that's how he was killed."
Burnsie: "Huh?"

Patton: "The point of the hook, it was driven home."
Burnsie: "Oh god ... "

Burnsie: "... you mean up his backside?"


Patton: "Yup. Why would someone do that?"
Burnsie: "Up the hooker's arse ... "

Burnsie: "... oh, shit, it's another rugby pun."
Patton: "It is?"

Burnsie: "Against the feed."
Patton: "Dear god ... that's just sick."

Burnsie: "Clever though. You have to admire this psycho. He works on many levels."
Patton: "Admire him? I want to kick the bastard in the nuts! If it is a him."


Burnsie: "Oh ... so you've got an idea who the killer is?"
Patton: "Not really. When it started I thought maybe it was one of the subs trying to get himself a start. But that's a bit extreme ... "

Looking over at some of the players we haven't seen much of.
Patton: "I mean you could just get a guy ahead of you pissed the night before if you wanted a game. You wouldn't have to kill him."

Patton: "But at the whorehouse they seemed to think it was a woman who got in with Hooky."
Burnsie: "A girl?"

The Inspector sitting up front in the bus.
Patton (off): "The Inspector hates rugby players. It could be her."
Burnsie (off): "But she seems so ... straight up. Besides, she's never met any of you before this tour."

Burnsie: "What about Cheryl?"
Patton: "Why would Cheryl want to kill any of us?"

Cheryl sitting next to her husband, Wayne the ref. Have the daughter visible in a seat behind them, reading a book.
Burnsie: "Because your whole team treats her as a pass around sex toy."
Patton: "Yeah, but that's more her idea than ours."

Focus more on Wayne.
Burnsie: "Anyway ... are your sure it's a woman. I mean, the ref seems a bit girlie. Maybe it was him cross-dressing?"
Patton: "Ugh, that's a horrid thought ... "

Page SIX

Patton: "But, yeah ... I guess a referee is a rugby players' natural enemy. I mean, you're all mates with the opposing team after the game, but you never make friends with the ref."

Close up of Wayne.
Patton: "Look at him, though ... Wayne's such a wuss. He couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag."
Burnsie: "They always say it's the quiet ones that go mad and rampage through shopping malls."

Patton looking out the window of the bus.
Patton: "Maybe it's just some psycho we've never met. It could be anyone, really.

Large frame of the bus arriving in Eketahuna.
(from bus) "Here we are ... Eketahuna. The town that time forgot."
(from bus) "You reckon we'll be safe here?"

Burnsie stepping off the bus and looking around.
Burnsie: "Well, if the killer doesn't get you the boredom will."

Next: An Englishman, and Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar ...
London KEAs logo drawn by Guy Landry.

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