Script: Utterly Rucked, part nine

Thanks to Guy, the London KEAs (Kiwi Expat Army) Rugby Club now have a logo. There's even a jersey design to follow.

UTTERLY RUCKED 09
An Englishman, and Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar ...
by David Tulloch

Page ONE
Three players, the non-kiwi players in the team, bond after training with a beer in the hotel bar. They are Glyn "The Felsh Wanker" Davies (No.6) , Sebastian "Little Johnny" Latimer (No.10) and Paddy "Paddy" O'Connell (No.12).

1/1
Wide title frame to start. The three players, still sweaty from a training session, head into the bar without showering. These guys are all class.
TITLES
UTTERLY RUCKED
Part Nine, An Englishman, and Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar ...

Latimer: "That was a good training session."
Paddy: "Yeah ... but I mean, what's the point? We can't field a team now. We don't have enough players."
Davies: "Yeah. You boyos worried?


1/2
At a table in the bar with the beers
Paddy: "A little."
Latimer: "It's only been the kiwis so far. I think we might be safe."

1/3
Davies: "How you figure?"
Latimer: "Well, we're not really ex-pats like the rest. You're a Welshman, Paddy's a Irishman, and I'm English."

1/4
Paddy: "What about Scotty? He's from Glasgow."
Latimer: "Yeah, but he was born and raised in Dunedin."

1/5
Davies: "You really think whoever's doing this only wants to kill the locals?"


Page TWO

2/1
Latimer: "I'll cling to any hope I can get. I only joined this team because they trained just once a week. I haven't got a drop of kiwi in me."
Davies: "Expect maybe a drop of Cheryl's juices."

2/2
Latimer: "Eww. Not me, I'm always protected."
Paddy: "Maybe that's what we need. Some protection."

2/3
Latimer: "Like what?"
Paddy: Like a gun.
Davies: "Jeez, Paddy ... this is the middle of nowhere, New Zealand, not Texas. Where are you going to find a gun?"

2/4
Paddy: "I have my ways. You just got to find the right kind of people. Every town has some. I bet I can lay my hands on a shotgun by dinnertime."

2/5
Davies: "I'd feel safer if you DIDN'T have a gun, Paddy. You're not the safest pair of hands."
Paddy: "Fuck off, mate. If the killer comes after you you'll be begging for me to blast him full of lead."
Latimer: "Knowing you, you'd shoot yourself in the foot."


Page THREE

3/1
Patton comes in.
Patton: "Hey lads, good hustle out there today."
Davies: "Cheers, General."
Latimer: "Yeah ... cheers."

3/2
Patton: "Look, I know everyone's on edge. But we're in the middle of the wops now... I'm sure where safe out here."
Paddy: Well, we could always be safer. Excuse me gentlemen, but I've got to go see a man about a dog.

3/3
Patton: What's up with Paddy?
I think he's off to get some protection.

3/4
Patton: "Where's he going? There's a condom machine in the toilet."


Page FOUR

4/1
Patton walking through the hallway of the Hotel. Melanie Jensen, the daughter of Wayne and Cheryl, is walking down the hallway in the other direction.

4/2
Patton: "Hi, Mel. Have you seen your Dad?"
Mel: "Not since we got here."

4/3
Patton: "Hey, Mel. Has your Dad been acting odd lately."
Mel: "How would I tell? He's always odd."

4/4
Patton: "Yeah. I mean odder then."
Mel: "What? You think he's the pyscho?"

4/5
Patton: "Well, ... maybe."
Mel: "My Dads a lot of things ... but a killer? I just don't think he's got it in him."

4/6
Patton: "They always say it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for."
Mel: "Yeah ... I guess. I'll keep an eye on him."


Page FIVE
5/1
Patton: "Thanks Mel. Hey, how old are you now?"
Mel: "Eighteen last month."

5/2
Mel actually blushes.
Patton: "Really? I must say ... you're looking good lately. You're really growing up well."
Mel: "Um ... thanks."

5/3
Patton: "Come to the bar sometimes. I'll buy you a drink."
Mel: "'k."

5/4
Patton: "See you around Mel."
Mel: "Bye."

5/5
Mel with a smile on her face as Patton walks away.

5/6
Mel going into the door to her room.

Page SIX

6/1
Mel rummaging in her suitcase.

6/2
Mel pulling out an art book with some newspaper pages stuffed inside.

6/3
Mel cutting out something from one of the newspapers with some scissors.

6/4
We see what she is cutting, a press piece from some small press newspaper about the London KEAs tour ...

The newspaper text is as follows (but we don't need to see all of it, it can be angled so words are cut off).

A BALMIER ARMY
Watch out New Zealand, you're being invaded ... by your own.
The Kiwi Expat Army is coming. Also known as the London KEAs Rugby Club.The team heads off on a four week tour of New Zealand this week.
Starting in Wellington, the KEAs will travel the length and breath of the island nation playing against small local clubs in a series of friendly but highly competitive matches.
Team captain, coach, tour organizer and openside flanker, Glen Patterson, known to his teammates as General Patton, tells the Standard that the tour is about pride.
"A lot of the blokes back home think you go soft when you move over to the UK. We're going to show them that an expat take on the Northern Hemisphere style of rugby is more than a match for they way they play back home ..."

6/5
... she is cutting out Patton's head ...

6/6
And she pastes it into a page full of Patton heads. Make sure the scissors are visible in this frame, lying on the page.

Next: Scissors Move

London KEAs logo by Guy Landry

Script: Utterly Rucked, part eight

Another episode, another grisly death, another really bad pun.

UTTERLY RUCKED 08
Against the Feed
by David Tulloch

Page ONE

1/1
Still inside the brothel from last episode. The madam, an aging sex-professional, is banging on the room of room 3. Patton is walking down the corridor, with his arm around one of the prostitutes.
Madam: "Time's up. I'm not warning you again."

1/2
Patton patting the arse of the prostitute goodbye as he turns to talk to the madam.
Patton: "Is there a problem?"
Madam: "One of your lot is overtime ... He'll have to pay for another hour."

1/3
Patton taking cash out of his wallet to give to the madam. There's another prostitute walking in the hallway, the same one that told Hooky to take a shower in the previous episode.
Patton: "No problem. He can take all the time he wants."

1/4
The madam talks to the 'shower' prostitute, Darla.
Madam: "Darla ... I thought you were in there with the client."
Darla: "Nah, one of the new girls swapped for him."


Page TWO

2/1
Madam: "What new girl"?
Darla: "I dunno, but she was an odd one. Bit crazy if you ask me. Had a mask on."

2/2
Patton reaching for the door handle of room 3 with a worried look on his face.
Patton: "Oh crap!"

2/3
Patton utters a line that is meant as a reference to a great NZ comic, as he sees the fate that has befallen Hooky. Hooky is suspended above the bed, obviously dead. He is held by a (possibly unseen) hook in his arsehole, which has then been tied to a rope, then to the roof, so he is above the bed. He has then been killed by various wounds upon his body.
Patton: "Jesus on a stick!!!"


Page THREE

3/1 A bus, taking the team (and Burnsie and the ref and his family) to Eketahuna. It can have 'Eketahuna' on the front destination nameplate.
(from bus): "Let me get this straight ... "

3/2
Burnsie on the bus sitting with Patton.
Burnsie: " ... the hooker, Hooky, was killed with a hook in a house of hookers? Man, that's really driving the point home."

3/3
Patton with a pained expression on his face.
Patton: "Oh, don't say that."
Burnsie: "Why not?"

3/4
Patton: "Well, that's how he was killed."
Burnsie: "Huh?"

3/5
Patton: "The point of the hook, it was driven home."
Burnsie: "Oh god ... "

3/6
Burnsie: "... you mean up his backside?"


Page FOUR

4/1
Patton: "Yup. Why would someone do that?"
Burnsie: "Up the hooker's arse ... "

4/2
Burnsie: "... oh, shit, it's another rugby pun."
Patton: "It is?"

4/3
Burnsie: "Against the feed."
Patton: "Dear god ... that's just sick."

4/4
Burnsie: "Clever though. You have to admire this psycho. He works on many levels."
Patton: "Admire him? I want to kick the bastard in the nuts! If it is a him."


Page FIVE

5/1
Burnsie: "Oh ... so you've got an idea who the killer is?"
Patton: "Not really. When it started I thought maybe it was one of the subs trying to get himself a start. But that's a bit extreme ... "

5/2
Looking over at some of the players we haven't seen much of.
Patton: "I mean you could just get a guy ahead of you pissed the night before if you wanted a game. You wouldn't have to kill him."

5/3
Patton: "But at the whorehouse they seemed to think it was a woman who got in with Hooky."
Burnsie: "A girl?"

5/4
The Inspector sitting up front in the bus.
Patton (off): "The Inspector hates rugby players. It could be her."
Burnsie (off): "But she seems so ... straight up. Besides, she's never met any of you before this tour."

5/4
Burnsie: "What about Cheryl?"
Patton: "Why would Cheryl want to kill any of us?"

5/5
Cheryl sitting next to her husband, Wayne the ref. Have the daughter visible in a seat behind them, reading a book.
Burnsie: "Because your whole team treats her as a pass around sex toy."
Patton: "Yeah, but that's more her idea than ours."

5/6
Focus more on Wayne.
Burnsie: "Anyway ... are your sure it's a woman. I mean, the ref seems a bit girlie. Maybe it was him cross-dressing?"
Patton: "Ugh, that's a horrid thought ... "


Page SIX

6/1
Patton: "But, yeah ... I guess a referee is a rugby players' natural enemy. I mean, you're all mates with the opposing team after the game, but you never make friends with the ref."

6/2
Close up of Wayne.
Patton: "Look at him, though ... Wayne's such a wuss. He couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag."
Burnsie: "They always say it's the quiet ones that go mad and rampage through shopping malls."

6/3
Patton looking out the window of the bus.
Patton: "Maybe it's just some psycho we've never met. It could be anyone, really.

6/4
Large frame of the bus arriving in Eketahuna.
(from bus) "Here we are ... Eketahuna. The town that time forgot."
(from bus) "You reckon we'll be safe here?"

6/4
Burnsie stepping off the bus and looking around.
Burnsie: "Well, if the killer doesn't get you the boredom will."

Next: An Englishman, and Irishman and a Welshman walk into a bar ...

London KEAs logo drawn by Guy Landry.

Script: Utterly Rucked, part seven

My wife tells me the puns are getting worse as I go. I think that's a good thing. I'm working on episode twelve today if I get the chance. Halfway to the end.

UTTERLY RUCKED 07
Sin Bin
by David Tulloch

Page ONE

1/1
Large panel of Wellington at night, a harbour view. Have the stadium visible (the cake tin), etc.
TITLES
UTTERLY RUCKED
Part Seven: Sin Bin

1/2
Police car at night, driving through the streets of Wellington. The frame divisions for the next couple of pages are just suggestions. The conversation takes place in the back seat of a moving police car ... how you want to show this is up to you.
(from car): "I gotta hand it to you, Patton ..."

1/3
Burnsie: "Getting the police to take us all to a brothel is priceless. A police escort to some pleasing escorts."

1/4
Patton: "You're full of puns and bad jokes, aren't you, Burnsie."
Burnsie: "I like a good laugh."


Page TWO

2/1
Patton: "The cops found Tao and Tank earlier today. Both dead."
Burnsie: "Jeez."

2/2
Patton: "I bet you can't tell me how they were killed."
Burnsie: "What? You mean think like the killer."

2/3
Patton: "Yeah. See if you can think like a murderer who uses bad rugby puns, Burnsie."
Burnsie: "Um ... I'll give it a go."

2/4
Burnsie: "Hmm, ... there were your Props, right."
Patton: "Yup."

2/5
Burnsie: "So, maybe collapse a building on them, like there were propping it up?"
Patton: "No. Try again."

2/6
Burnsie: "Oh, I know! The loosehead prop lost his head, I'll bet."

2/7
Patton: "That's right. Someone chopped his head clean off."
Burnsie: "Ick. They say you can still hear and even blink for a while after. That'd be weird."

2/8
Patton: "So how did the tighthead prop die, Burnsie?"
Burnsie: "I don't know ... "

2/9
Burnsie: "... having his head shut in a door?"
Patton: "Close ... you're almost there ... try a bit harder. "


Page THREE

3/1
Burnsie: "Look, just what are you saying, Patton? You think I did it?"
Patton: "Did you?"

3/2
Burnsie: "Of course not. Christ, Glen! I've known you since primary school, ya dick. Why would I want to kill off your teammates?"
Patton: "I did some mean things to you back in the day. Stole Debbie Jones from you that time."

3/3
Burnsie: "Oh yeah. Christ, she had some knockers on her for a fourth-former."
Patton: "Yeah. She was an early developer."

3/4
Burnsie: "Only physically, though."
Patton: "Think as two short planks."

3/5
Burnsie: "For fuck's sake, mate. I wouldn't kill you or anyone over Debbie Jones ... or any woman. Plenty more tits in the sea."

3/6
Patton looking out the cop car window, his eyes angled slightly up, neon lights reflected in the car window. We don't see what he is looking at except in reflection.
Patton: "Speaking of which. ... we're here."


Page FOUR

4/1
Large frame of the lads going up to the door of the brothel. If you want to use a real Wellington brothel try looking in the phonebook and then Google Maps. Something with an impressive front door.
Burnsie: "Thanks for bringing me along."
Patton: "No problem, mate. I had to ask, Burnsie. I had to be sure I could trust you. The least I can do is give you a freebie."

4/2
Going in through the door.
Burnsie: "Cheers. So how did the tighthead prop get it?"
Patton: "Head in a vice."

4/3
They have gone inside, but speech bubbles from inside are visible out.
Burnsie (off): "Jeez! That's nasty."
Patton: (off): "Yeah."


Page FIVE
The setup for the next kill begins ...

5/1
A woman (let's not mince words here, a sex-professional) guiding Brian "Hooky" Collinson, No.2, the hooker, to the showers. Have him carrying a towel, have his number visible, and have a visible shower stall or sign to make it obvious.
Prostitute: "Just go through there, sweetie. Then go through to room 3 when you're all nice and clean."

5/2
A shower scene. Shame it's a large, hairy rugby hooker, really ;-) Have Hooky singing to himself in the shower as her lathers up his private parts.

5/3
Hooky drying himself off.

5/4
The towel wrapped around him, looking for room 3.

5/5
Hooky going in to room 3.

5/6
Hooky lying on the bed, the towel draped over his middle.


Page SIX

6/1
The door opens, and a woman comes in ... the light is brighter outside, so it's hard to see clearly, the figure is silhouetted. Something from Hooky's point-of-view, but with his legs visible maybe.

Hooky: "'Bout time, love ... I was beginning to think I'd have to start without you."

6/2
The woman moves in so we can see ... it's not the same woman as the previous page. The woman is dressed in lingerie, but is also wearing a mask ... maybe a plain white theatre mask, or a bondage mask, or anything really, as long as it hides her identity. We cannot see what she is holding behind her back with one hand.
Hooky: " What's with the mask? I didn't pay for anything kinky."

6/3
The masked killer holding up a large, overly large, fishing hook which she has taken out from behind her back. It glints evilly in the half-light of the dim room.
Masked Killer: "Oh ... you're getting a lot more than you paid for."

Next: Against the Feed

London KEAs logo by Guy Landry

Script: Utterly Rucked, part six

Careful with that axe ...

UTTERLY RUCKED 06
Loose Head
by David Tulloch

Page ONE
Start with a four page chase and kill through the basement of the hotel. Our never-actually-identifiably-seen axe-weilding killer pursues the panicking loosehead prop Tao "Loosey" Lolesio.

The typical horror cliched chase scene. The panicking victim, running, looking over his shoulder, sweating. Getting to the elevator, pressing the button repeatedly, but looking up to see the lift is many floors away ... I'll leave the layout details and panel breakdowns to you. The fleeing victim has an unsuccessful, one-way conversation with the never-actually-clearly-seen pursuing killer.

"No ... stay away ... "
"Help me ... someone ..."
"C'mon ... c'mon ... "
"Shit!"


Page TWO
Continue the chase, The victim, Tao, tries the stairs, but stumbles. The killer closes in.
"Who the hell are you?"
"Why are you doing this?"


Page THREE
Large (full page) frame of with imminent head chopping. Classic horror pose of Man fallen on stairs with arm up in defensive pose, killer with axe raised.
"For christsake ... are you crazy?"
TITLES
UTTERLY RUCKED
Part Six: Loose Head


Page FOUR

The axe falls, and falls again. You can be as graphic or as coy as you like here. However, the page should end with a severed head lying on the floor, the body being dragged off by the (hard to see or identify) killer in the background.


Page FIVE
Inspector Diane Patel and Glen "Gen. Patton" Patterson having a conversion in the hotel bar. Patton is drinking beer. Patel is all business.

5/1
Patel: "Two more of you are now missing. Rufus "Tank" Girlwood and Tao "Loosey" Lolesio. We're searching the area."

5/2
Patton: "Christ ... that's two-thirds of our front row gone. We'll never be able to field a team now."

5/3
Patel: "I think that playing rugby is the least of your problems now."
Patton: "Are you sure you're a Kiwi? There's nothing more important than a rugby game."

5/4
Patel: "How about staying alive?"
Patton; "I guess ... "

5/5
Patton: "... but it's a close call, mind you."


Page SIX

6/1
Patel: "I've decided it's best if we move you all to another location out of town. Somewhere we can control a bit easier."
Patton: "Where?"

6/2
Patel: "Eketahuna."
Patton: "Eketahuna!?! Jeez-us! There's nothing to do there. An egg couldn't get laid there. I think we'd rather stay here and take our chances."

6/3
Patel: "You're kidding, right? This is life and death we're talking about."
Patton: "Tell ya what, we'll go, but the team gets one night on the town before we leave."

6/4
Patel: "I would recommend against it."
Paton: "These boys need a night out. Otherwise we don't co-operate with the relocation."

6/5
Patel looking worried, but giving in.
Patel: "It'll have to be somewhere we can keep under surveillance, a single location."

6/6
Patton smiling a broad smile. Patel looking disgusted.
Patton: "No problem. What's the best brothel in town?"

Next: Sin Bin

London KEAs logo by Guy Landry

Script: Utterly Rucked, part five

I'm currently writing part eight, so I'm doing better than one episode a day. I hope there's someone out there reading these ... but if not, I'm having fun.

UTTERLY RUCKED 05
Playing Advantage
by David Tulloch

Page ONE

1/1
The hotel lobby. Patton and the police inspector chat. They are unaware of the death of the tighthead prop.
Patton: "It's a bit late for an official visit, isn't it, Inspector?"
Patel: Just checking in before beddy-byes, Mr Patterson. Wouldn't want another one of your lads to get into trouble."

1/2
Patton: "I gave them a big speech telling them all to stay in the hotel and stick together ..."

[ ... so I'm sure they're all fine. ]
Large panel of the now deceased tighthead prop, still with his head in the vice from last episode. There is way too much blood, and his head is now a bit flatter than it should be. TITLES
UTTERLY RUCKED
Part five, Playing Advantage


Page TWO

2/1
Patel: "Well, just to be safe we have officers on watch outside, and we're monitoring the hotel's security cameras."

2/2
Patel: "Not that there's enough of those. We'll install some of our own tomorrow, just to be safe."

2/3
Patton: "Fair enough. You must be hungry, how about having a meal with me? Maybe a bottle of wine?"
Patel: "No thanks."

2/4
Patton: "C'mon. I might be dead tomorrow. The least you could do is have dinner with me."
Patel: "I don't date rugby players."

2/5
Patton: "Oh? Any particular reason?"
Patel: "I'd rather not say."

2/6
Flashback to high school, although overlapping speech balloons block out most of the frame.
"But, I love you, Mikey. Please don't leave."
"I have to, for my career."
"You can play rugby here."
"It's not at the same level. There I'll have more opportunities, better coaches, better teammates."
"I'll wait for you, Mikey."
"Don't. I won't be back."
"Mikey! (sob)"


Page THREE

3/1
Patton snapping Patel out of her ugly memory
Patton: "Are you even listening to me?"
Patel: "Sorry ... just a bad memory."

3/2
Patton thinking about this.
Patton (thinks): "Hmm."

3/3
Patel: "Well, I'd better get back to base. Still got a few things to sort out before tomorrow."
Patton: "Um, ... sure."

3/4
Patton drinking alone at the bar.

3/5
Burnsie turns up.
Burnsie: "Cheers, mate, mine's a Tui."
Patton: "Huh ... oh, hi, Burnsie."

3/6
Burnsie: "What's up with you?"
Patton: "Just wondering about something ... "


Page FOUR

4/1
Patton: "... well, someone."
Burnsie: "Who?"

4/2
Patton: "The Inspector."
Burnsie: "She's out of your league, mate."

4/3
Patton: "Ya reckon? Nah! Well, maybe ... but that's not what I was wondering?"
Burnsie: "Oh?"

4/4
Patton: "She doesn't like rugby players?"
Burnsie: "So ... there's always a few people who don't. That's why god created League."

4/5
Patton: "She REALLY doesn't like rugby players."
Burnsie: "Oh? You think she could be the psycho?"

4/6
Both of them think about this.

4/7
Patton: "Nah!"
Burnsie: "She's just a girl, right?"


Page FIVE

5/1
Tao "Loosey" Lolesio (Samoan) No.1 jersey, the loosehead prop, is about to head to his doom. But first he's looking for his front row mate in the bar.
Tao: "Hey, Cheryl. Have you seen Tank?"
Cheryl: "He was with me, sweetie, but we finished up hours ago."

5/2
Tao: "Maybe he's back in our room. We're meant to be keeping tabs on each other like Patton said."

5/3
Tao exiting the lift

5/4
Tao walking along the corridor

5/5
Tao about to go in, but there's a note on the door.

5/6
The note reads:

Tao mate,
Come to the Utility room in the basement.
There's something exciting and wet waiting for ya.
Don't worry, it's not Cheryl :-)
Tank

5/6
Tao talks aloud to himself.
Tao: "Tank, you bloody beauty. Here I am worried I'm not looking after you, and you've gone and smuggled in some pussy for me."

5/7
Tao is the lift, going down.

5/8
Tao exiting the elevator at the basement level.


Page SIX

6/1
Tao at the door to the utility room, reaching for the handle.

6/2
Tao opening the door.
Tao: "I'm here, Tank. Where's this pussy you promised me?"

6/3
Large frame to end, of our killer (again, the lighting and baseball cap hide the identity of the slightly built killer) carrying an axe in front of him/her. The axe is well lit, glinting, sharp ...
Unknown Killer: "Oh, it's not me that'll be the pussy!"

Next: Loose Head

London KEAs logo by Guy Landry

Script: Utterly Rucked, part four

More rugby/slasher mayhem.

UTTERLY RUCKED 04
Tight Head
by David Tulloch

Page ONE
A page of small frames with no people shown.

1/1
The door of the men's toilet of the hotel bar, the international symbol for a men's toilet visible.
(from inside) "Come-on Cheryl. Put some effort into it."

1/2
Inside the men's toilets, focusing on a closed (and locked) stall from which sounds are coming from.
(from stall): "This isn't easy, Hooky. I've got no room in here."

1/3
The rest of the page is just the toilet stall door. You can play around with zooms and angles if you want, or just repeat.
(from stall) "Could you at least move over a bit, so I can have some space."
(from stall): "How's that?"

1/4
(from stall): "It'll do. Why do you bastards always picked confined spaces to do this?"

1/5
(from stall): "'Cause we like a tight head. Giddit? Tight head."

1/6
(from stall): "I just fuck rugby players, Hooky. I don't actually understand the damn game."
(from stall): "You're a classy lady, Cheryl. All class."

1/7
(from stall): Mmmmm.

1/8
(from stall): Oh yeah ... oh god, yeah!

1/9
(from stall): Yeeeeessssss!


Page TWO

2/1
TITLES: UTTERLY RUCKED
Part Four: Tight Head

The two of them leaving the men's toilets, Hooky, the hooker (No. 2) with a smug smile. Cheryl, the wife of the referee, looking a bit worse for wear.
Cheryl: "I may not have class, but I get the job done."
Hooky: "Hell yeah."


Page THREE
At the hotel bar.

3/1
Hooky ordering drinks from the barman, with Cheryl chiming in.
Hooky: "A pint and a ... "
Cheryl: "... vokda-tonic."

3/2
Small frame of Hooky gulping down his beer.
(gulp, gulp)

3/3
Hooky looking satisfied.
Hooky: "I needed that."
Cheryl: "The beer or the BJ?"

3/4
Hooky: "Both. With both Shorty and Chopper biting the big one things are a bit tense around here. You're a lifesaver, Cheryl. Even if you don't know a tighthead from a tapkick."

3/5
Hooky pointing out the tighthead prop, Tank (No.3 jersey) to Cheryl.
Cheryl: "Buy me another, Hooky, and you can start teaching me."
Hooky: "Get Tank over here to buy you one. He's the tighthead prop, and he's just as tense as I was."

3/6
Cheryl: "Jeez, Hooky, I'm not a machine."
Hooky: "He'll buy you a double. Or even a triple."

3/7
Cheryl downing the rest of her single vodka-tonic.
Cheryl: "Well, I guess I can take one for the team."


Page FOUR

4/1
Large panel of Patton addressing the hotel bar room filled with beer drinking London Kea's, and the ever present Burnsie.
Patton: "So we're all strongly advised to stay put in the hotel, and stick together."

4/2
Patton: "You're all sharing rooms, so make sure you know where your roommate is come closing time."

4/3
(teammate): "But, Captain ... we wanted to go out for a curry."
Patton: "You can order in ... there's menus in your rooms."

4/4
Patton: "Don't go and do anything stupid. If we lose anymore of you we won't be able to field a full team for our first match."


Page FIVE
Rufus "Tank" Girlwood, the tighthead prop, meets a sticky end.

5/1
Black panel
"Huh? Where am I?"

5/2
POV (point of view) of the victim, Rufus "Tank" Girlwood, No.3, tighthead prop. Some light in the panel, and a hazy vision of a person (slight build) in a baseball cap, so we have no idea who it is. There is a bright light from an unshielded lightbulb that makes it hard for Tank to see clearly.
"Who are you?"

5/3
The POV vision slowly clearing, but the figure is moving out of frame (only the back shown).
"Why can't I move my head?"

5/4
Large frame to finish the page showing Rufus "Tank" Girlwood with his head in a vice in what appears to be a tool/utility room. This is the tool room the hotel has for the janitor to make running repairs on various things. Tank's head is in what is a large vice, his ears being squashed by the sides. We can see the number 3 on the back of his jersey.


Page SIX

6/1 Hands, feminine but not made up on the handle of the vice turning it a little
Tank (off) "Jeez-us H. Christ, that hurts."

6/2
Badly lit and acute angled closeup of the killer, so we get no details as to who it might be.
Killer: "Good."

6/3
Tank's head in the vice, the handle being turned, blood trickling from the sides of his head.
Tank: "Cheryl ... is that you, love?"

6/4
The killer, again poorly lit so we can't see, twisting the handle hard. Tank screaming.
Killer: "Don't you dare call me that!"
Tank: "Aaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhhh!!"

Next: Playing Advantage

London KEAs logo by Guy Landry

Script: Utterly Rucked, part three

I sat down the other day and planned out all the remaining episodes of this, including writing the last two pages. These scripts seems to be flowing out of me like an arterial wound.

UTTERLY RUCKED 03
Blood Bin
by David Tulloch

Page ONE
1/1
Doorway on one side of the hotel that leads to the carpark. A London Kea team member, the tall Robert "Scotty" McPadden (Scot), number 5 (lock), is smoking a cigarette outside. There's a wheelie bin visibly nearby in which a body will be discovered soon. Have some flies buzzing around it.

1/2
The door opens and a hungover Patton Glen "Gen. Patton" Patterson (Pakeha) emerges from within carrying a cigarette packet and lighter, a cigarette already taken out in anticipation.
Scott: "Morning, Patton."
Patton: "Morning, Scotty. How's your head this morning?"

1/3
Patton lighting his cigarette. Scotty holding up a hip flask.
Scotty: "Nothing a wee hair of the dog wouldn't cure."

1/4
Scotty offering the hip flask to Patton.
Patton: "Ugh. Not for me. I'll go for a greasy breakfast and some coffee."

1/5
Wider title frame showing the two smokers and, off to one side, the wheelie bin with its cloud of flies.
Patton: "It doesn't half stink out here."
Scotty: "Aye, I was thinking that myself."

TITLES
UTTERLY RUCKED
Part three, Blood Bin


Page TWO
2/1
Scotty has almost finished his cigarette, he uses it to point at the wheelie bin.
"I wonder if it's coming from there?"
"Leave it be, Scotty. My stomachs doing cartwheels as it is."

2/2
Scotty opening the bin, in which he is planning to chuck his cigarette end inside. However, his head is turned to Patton at this point.
Scotty: Don't be a feckin' wuss, Patton ...

2/3
Scotty: " ... it's just something gone rotten."
Scotty turning back, one hand holding the lid open, the other doing the classic cigarette flick into the bin.

2/4
Scotty horrified by whatever it is he's seen inside the (as yet) unseen interior of the bin.
"Fuckin' Shite!!!"


Page THREE
3/1
Splash page showing the inside of the wheelie bin, in which Brice "Chopper" Morse has been stuffed head-first. He was stabbed repeatedly with shallow cuts so he bled into the wheelie bin and drowned in a pool of his own blood. Make sure the number 15 on his jersey is at least partly visible. Throwing up sounds off from Scotty.
(bler-grrgh!)
(Patton, off): Jeez-us ... it's Chopper!!!"


Page FOUR
4/1
The police Inspector, Diane Patel, interviewing Glen "Patton" Patterson
Patton: "We have to stop meeting like this, Inspector."
Inspector Patel: "Hmm. So the deceased is a Mr. Brice Morse, known to his friends as 'Chopper'."

4/2
Patton: "That's right. Chopper was a good bloke. Safe pair of hands under the high ball."

4/3
Inspector Patel: "Did he have any enemies?"
Patton: "Just his ex-wife. Well, maybe an ex-girlfriend or two as well."

4/4
Inspector Patel: "Do you know of anyone who might hold a grudge against your team?"
Patton: "No. More ex-girlfriends and ex-wives, I suppose?"

4/5
Inspector Patel: "No-one specific?"
Patton: "Not that I can think of. I mean, we're just a bunch of blokes having a fun tour. Or at least we were trying to."


Page FIVE
5/1
Patton: "You think someone's got it in for us?"
Inspector Patel: "Well, two murders in two days would seem to be a trend."

5/2
Patton: "I thought you said Shorty's death was an accident?"
Inspector Patel: "In light of recent events we are rethinking our lines of inquiry."

5/3
Patton: "Christ. So no chance Chopper's death was an accident then?"
Inspector Patel: "Not many people put themselves head first into a wheelie bin and then cut themselves all over ...

5/4
Inspector Patel: "... so they drown in their own blood."
Patton: "He drowned?"

5/5
Patton working something out in his head.
Inspector Patel: "Yes. Quite an ugly way to go."
Patton: "He drowned face down in a wheelie bin in his own blood ..."

5/6
Patton having an epihany. Patel not quite getting it yet.
Patton: "... Oh dear lord, you know what this means?"


Page SIX
6/1
Patel also figuring it out
Inspector Patel: "It's a blood bin!"

6/2
Patton: "A halfback cut in half, now death by blood bin ... "

6/3
Large panel of their shocked faces to finish.
Patton: "There's a rugby-hating psycho out there killing players with puns."
Inspector Patel: "It's the ultimate perversion of the New Zealand dream!!"

Next: Tight Head

London KEAs logo by Guy Landry