The Tragic Tale of Anthony Jeselnik

Watching Anthony Jeselnik's 8th of August interview with Conon O'Brien, where he discussed the trouble he got into with New Zealanders for his "great" and "amazing" jokes at the expense of Adam Strange, a New Zealander killed by a shark, it was obvious who the real victim in all this was: Anthony Jeselnik.

It was hard not to feel an overwhelming sympathy for this man as I watched him relate his tale of woe, yet somehow I managed.

I felt compelled to learn more about this wonderful human being, and that's when I truly came to feel sorry for the man. For not only is he cursed with a TV show, The Jeselnik Offensive, whose title sounds like a series of battles from outside Stalingrad in 1942 ... to be fair the show is almost as funny as the siege of Stalingrad ... I also discovered a terrible tragedy in Mr Jeselnik's past.

Anthony Jeselnik's sense of humour was killed on 9/11.

Jeselnik's body was safely home in Pittsburgh on that tragic day, but his sense of humour was working as a financial consultant in the second tower. It never got out alive. Crushed under tonnes of twisted steel and metal it died that day, and has never been seen or heard from since.

To make matters worse, Jeselnik's attempts to seek compensation for his loss were, at first, refused. Officials claimed there was no evidence Jeselnik even had a sense of humour, and produced hours of footage of his stand-up work as proof.

But then a Ms Anthea Stringe came forward and told her tale of survival in the second tower on 9/11, and how she was helped down the stairwell by Anthony Jeselnik's sense of humour, which keep her going by making knock-knock jokes and singing bawdy limericks. Once she was safe Jeselnik's sense of humour selflessly re-entered the tower to try and help others. The last words Ms Stringe heard it say were 'There was a young lady from Flint ...' before the sense of humour was lost to the noise and dust of that horrible day.

Compensation was finally awarded to Mr Jeselnik, in the form of a cable TV show and a over-inflated sense of entitlement, and he continued on ...

Incredibly, this brave man has continued to work in the field of American comedy, despite the tragic loss of his sense of humour.

He's not the only American comedian to carry on after the untimely death of his sense of humour. Andrew Dice Clay soldiered on despite his sense of humour being shot in a cocaine deal gone wrong. And Andy Kaufman's sense of humour may not have died, but it did run away and join the circus when it was only twelve.

So let's salute Anthony Jeselnik, a brave hero whose life serves to remind us that even without a sense of humour an American can continue to be a functioning, well-respected member of the comedic fraternity.

I think we can all agree that the true horrors of global terrorism are never so apparent as when watching Anthony Jeselnik trying to be funny.

Oh, and if anyone is offended by this, let me reassure you it's only because you don't know me. If you did know me you'd understand this is classic Tulloch. Classic.

Tiger's actual problem

Thanks to Fox News analyst Brit Hume we now know the real issue of Tiger Woods adultery and subsequent fall from grace in the public eye. The problem is that Tiger's a Buddhist. Hume said he didn't "think that faith offers the kind of forgiveness and redemption that is offered by the Christian faith".

Tiger's problem isn't that he cheated. Tiger's problem is that his philosophical view doesn't allow him to move beyond it.

Hume has put his finger on the great attraction of U.S. brand Christianity. The public brand of faith that Americans adhere to gives the worshiper a perpetual Get Out of Jail Free Card, and if you are a public figure you may get to advance straight to Go and collect $200 million dollars as well.

American Christianity is the whiter-than-white brand of religion, washing your life sparkling clean of all stains if you publicly go through the spin cycle for all to see. Look at George W. He had an alcohol addition and used illegal drugs on a regular basis for years. You'd think that would preclude a political career. But, bingo, presto, change-o, he gets born again and his past life is gone, twirling down the sinkhole with the other stains and grey water of his old life. God forgave him, folks. That means you have to as well. Or are you better than God? Didn't think so.

W. was even guilty of that most unforgivable of sins in the U.S. public consciousness; he was a failed businessman. He had an appalling record of collapsed and bankrupt companies. In a country that worships business success with perhaps more overt frenzy that it does God, where the almighty dollar and capitalism are as iconic as the cross, failing in business again and again is a cardinal sin. Bingo, presto, change-o.

Brit Hume has a point. Plenty of other public figures in the U.S. have been caught cheating but have all turned potential career ending infidelities into mere road bumps by invoking the forgiveness of God. The sin isn't the problem. Adultery is almost expected of public figures. Babe Ruth, Wilt Chamberlain, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, Bill Clinton, John Edwards, JFK, David Letterman, Jimmy Swaggert ... these are just the tip of the penis-shaped iceberg of those who have cheated on their wives and yet remained famous and even beloved by the American public.

No, Tiger's problem is that he is unable to forgive himself. He is trapped within his own Buddhist mind, seeing himself as unworthy and unforgivable. He sees the fault for his indiscretions are lying entirely within himself. He needs the cleaning action of U.S. brand Christianity to wash those sins away and leave him if not whiter-than-white, then at least a smooth shade of brown.

If Tiger were to become a Christian, as Hume would have it, he would then be able to demand forgiveness from the public, as once God forgives someone the rest of us are compelled to follow suit least we look like heretics.

Go on Tiger, give it a go. Let forgiveness into your life. Not forgiveness from your wife, your mistresses, your friends, your sponsors, your fans, or anyone earthly, but rather forgiveness from a higher, more powerful, incontestable source. After all, if you continue to blame yourself and stay out of the golf arena we all lose. Let Brit Hume's God wash you clean and tumble dry your image.

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Also check out the Tiger Woods as Role Model website. How history makes fools of us all ...

Tiger thinks that being a good role model to others is even more important than his golf. He thinks his golf is just a vehicle for him to influence people. He wants to influence kids in a positive way. Tiger feels that's what it's all about ...

Tiger says that his religion [Buddhism] has given him self awareness. He says his religion has taught him that he is here to work on flaws in his personality ...

It even contain the address of his fan club.

Comedic Inductance

Yesterday I discovered the the unit of Inductance is the Henry. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inductance

That got me to thinking. People often induce feelings in others in varying degrees. For example, certain comedians are seen as hilarious in anything they do by some, while others struggle to find anything funny in their antics.

There doesn't seem to be an official measure of comedic inductance, so I'm going to suggest one. In honour of Will Ferrel I want to name it the Willy.

A Willy is defined as the average amount of laughter a comedian act, movie, or TV show induces in you. For Will Ferrel, for instance, an individual who thinks that Talladega Nights was hilarious, or that Blades of Glory was the funniest ice skating movie ever would have a large Willy.

I, however, have a small Willy. A very small Willy indeed.

So drugs really do make jokes funnier ...

I may have watched a few Simpsons episodes in my time. Okay, so I can recite most of the first ten or so seasons. These days, however, I don't watch them as fanatically as I once did. There's no need, they are repeated endlessly. It seems prime time TV will never be without them again.

In fact, the Simpsons saturation has reached the point where I no longer bother to watch or record so-called 'new' Simpsons. Often because they turn out not to be new, but mainly because I know I can see them again, and again, and again ...

However, the yellow-skinned family of misfits is so engrained in our culture and our psyche that references turn up to them everywhere. One of the strangest Simpsons moments for me this year was a result of someone taking illegal drugs.

Now there's a Simpsons episode where evil forces try to move the local baseball team, the Springfield Isotopes, to Albuquerque. Homer manages to thwart the evil plans of the Mayor of Albuquerque and the heartless Duff corporation. The Isotopes remain in Springfield.

I'd always thought it was a funny episode, but this year drugs made it funnier. Manny Rameriz, a slugger for the LA Dodgers, tested positive for a substance that is used to recover from the effects of steroids, and was promptly banned for 50 games. That sounds like a lot of games, but each baseball team in the majors plays 160+ games a year.

As Manny's suspension approached its end he was allowed to work out and get game fit by playing for a minor league team in the Dodger's organisation. The team he played for was ...

... The Albuquerque Isotopes.

Thanks Manny. Shame you and the Dodgers 'got beat' by the Phillies in five games. But at least you made me laugh.

And to think I've always sworn off them myself.