Virginity For Sale ... Steaming Hot Virginity For Sale

Why pay for advertising when you can get it for free? The media will happily give you free publicity if you dangle a juicy, sexy, salacious story their way.

So I Need, a struggling TradeMe rival, has a 19-year old woman selling her virginity to the highest bidder. Or is she? Bidding is private, so while the listing says the "highest bidder" will win Unigirl's virginity, she(?) doesn't have to accept any bids.

I Need has only a few hundred 'auctions' active, maybe less as their listing numbers are not accurate. For example, their "personal" section has 11 listings, but when you follow the link it turns out there are only 3, one of which is the "Relationship For Sale" of Unigirl.

No picture is offered for this auction (you can't see the goods upfront) so the NZ Herald article on this sex-filled story used a picture of a woman in fishnet stockings adjusting high heels with the filename 'Parlour_220x147.jpg' ... implying the editor dredged a stock pic from the prostitution file to illustrate the plight of the "cash-strapped Kiwi student". Classy.

The Herald also had a related article link to a 'report' about a 26-year old Auckland Christian, Melanie Clarke, who informs us her virginity is priceless. In Melanie's case a photo was included. Look but don't touch. This is cutting-edge journalism! Who knew there were Christians out there who felt strongly about sex and virginity?

The whole thing has the feel of a stunt. Unigirl was not accepting requests for interviews, which suggests she isn't really serious about promoting the sale. Surely if she wanted top dollar for the goods she'd grab the media spotlight with both hands and shine it directly between her legs?

The stunt gives I Need some much needed publicity. Unfortunately the lack of substantial listings on their site will mean it doesn't get them many new members. I predict Unigirl's 'auction' will disappear without the world discovering if there was a successful sale. The media will go look for sexy stories elsewhere. University fees will continue to rise with all the serious consequences that implies. Serious consequences that just aren't sexy enough to make the papers.

It's your fault

Like most people I'm sick to death of hearing about the economic crisis we've been going through. Even the news that the economy is recovering is greeted with minimum enthusiasm.

Meh. Things were bad. Now they are a bit better.

However, the one thing that does interest me in any crisis is assigning blame. And it is crystal clear who is to blame for the recession and the slow recovery. You.

That's right it's your fault. It's your fault we got into the recession, and it's your fault we were slow to get out, and it's your fault we are not recovering fast enough.

For a start, you're not spending enough. Shame on you.

You need to buy more luxury items to help stimulate the economy. But all this talk of doom and economic gloom has made you hesitant in your purchases.

Maybe I'll wait until things are better before replacing the washing machine, you think to yourself. After all, when it really starts to move on the spin cycle it can be rather pleasant.

Well, that's the kind of attitude that doomed us to some extra seconds of recession. You should be out spending money on new appliance, including sex toys by the sounds of it, you frustrated freak.

But it's not just your lack of spending that makes the recession your fault. Oh no. You also have not been saving enough of your income. How could you? You sir or madam, are worse than Hitler.

If you don't save just the right amount of your income you doom us all to a lingering recession. Of course, you can save too much, just ask the Chinese government, who are desperately trying to pry money away from their stingy emerging middle-class. The bastards save as much as 50% of what they earn. How's an economy supposed to be stimulated with that going on?

So you see, it's all your fault. You're not saving enough. You're not spending enough. And if you have a mortgage you're even worse. I mean, locking up your equity in housing contributed to the housing bubble. You utter shit. Have you no concern for others?

So, if you're not saving about 30% of a rather large income, and spending the other 70% on frivolous consumer items while living in a cardboard box ... we'll you're just not a fully functioning member of our capitalist economy and should be arrested forthwith for being a communist and shot.

Global capitalism in your living room

We got a phone call today from, judging from the accent and pronouncement of my last name, a call centre in India. Nothing unusual about that. However, it was about a free dinner at the Johnsonville RSA (Returned Servicepeople's Association) that we had been invited to by personalised* letter the previous week.

This is a new level of co-ordinated attack on our household by global capitalism. The "free dinner" looked to be some multinational time-share scheme presentation pressure cooker cover.

All this made me wonder how many countries were involved in trying to get me to go to dinner at the Johnsonville RSA? Would they be serving a suitably cosmopolitan meal? I was guessing it would just be cheap steak.

Yet all this international effort just for my money. It made me feel wanted. Just not in a good way.

Needless to say we side-stepped the meal. Sometimes a free steak is just not worth chewing over.

*I hope you noticed I keep those sharp z's away from my person as well.

The Hegemony of the US middle-class

It's Labour Weekend in New Zealand, and so my mind turned to the almost perfect system of labour (or should I say, labor) that a certain country's capitalism has devised.

Imagine if you will a system whereby your pension and healthcare were tied directly to your job. Without employment your health options and future living potential are severely curtailed. You retirement savings are tied into the stock market, so if Wall Street suffers so does your future. Your company offers you slightly discounted stock (in exchange for certain labor rights or in lieu of pay increases), so if the company suffers so do you.

Then imagine that in that same system employers can fire workers whenever they like for no reason at all. (Note: there may still be regulations regarding racism and sexism, but these can be worked around. For example, while you can't ask on a job application for an applicants race or gender, you can screen people with names like DeShawn, JaMarkus, Migel, or Kate. They still have to give their name; mwah ha ha ha!)

Imagine that the economy has up-times and down-times. In up times they tell you there's no need to give you pay rises, as that would impact on profits and the share price. You have shares, remember, so you wouldn't want the price to go down.

In down times they tell you they may have to cut staff (horror of horrors!) ... unless you all agree to a pay cut? Remember, your health and your future depend on you having a job. So of course you'll agree to a small (say 5%) pay cut.

Over time you'll see your wages go down. You'll want to make waves, but this is a system with very few strong unions (organized labour equals communism, and communism is what you'll find in hell when you die, you Pinko!). Besides, complaining could mean you get fired. After all, they can do that anytime, for any reason.

Imagine that? You don't have to. It exists, and has fans in all right-wing political parties across the globe. It may be coming to a country near you soon.

Good neighbours

Imagine your neighbour lends you some money, say $50,000. He does this for various reasons. He's known you for a long time, he's done some business with you in the past and hopes to again in the future, he likes you (to a degree). Mostly he doesn't want your house to look so decrepit, as it's bringing down property values. Or even worse, you might sell up and who knows who might move in next door to him. You are the devil he knows, and that's just fine with him.

Your gutters are blocked, your roof has a couple of leaks, and there's a broken window that you've boarded over with wood. The house could do with a paint job, and some gardening would help as well. On top of that, you've had some health problems which have set you back professionally, and have cost as bit as well (since you live in a country without a 'socialized' medical system).

So your neighbour lends you $50,000. He expects you to use it to pay some medical bills and get some repairs done to your house. Maybe you'll even be able to do some cosmetic things to the property, like getting a guy in to do the lawns.

Your neighbour tells you to pay the loan back whenever you can. No interest. No conditions. You even get the feeling that he might not expect you to pay it back at all, if the worse came to the worst. He may even be able to lend you more, if you really need that triple-bypass surgery.

So what do you do with the money?

Well, naturally you take the $50,000 and go to Vegas, where you put the money on black (always bet on black) at the roulette wheel. One spin ...

It doesn't matter whether you win or lose. If you lose, you just tell your neighbour the medical bills are still piling up. "You don't have a little bit more I could borrow, do you (cough, cough)."

If you win you double your money, and can pay back your neighbour. "Here you go, pal. You're the greatest."

Let's say you won. After all, there's a 47% chance of that playing a colour on roulette. You do the right thing and invite your neighbour and his wife around for dinner.

As they walk up the path to your house they can't help but notice the new car in the driveway. SUV. Fully loaded. You haven't had the grass cut, but at least your old car, now parked on the front lawn, is keep a patch of it down directly underneath it's rusting frame.

They knock on the door, and you welcome them in. "Mind the buckets in the hallway ... the roof still leaks a bit." You never got that window fixed either. It's still boarded up.

Dinner is BBQ ... you cook them up some juicy steaks, ribs, and hamburgers. There's even a salad, because you're trying to be heart-smart, since you never got around to that expensive surgery. After you show off your new home theatre system. Surround sound, and a deep bass that will rattle the windows in the neighbourhood (but you promise to keep the volume down).

As they leave you overhead your neighbours wife say something rather derogatory about you. The cheek of some people. After all your generous hospitality.

If all this sounds a little far-fetched ... well it shouldn't do. You, the annoying neighbour from hell, are actually the large US banks that were bailed out by your government (neighbour). While the bailout money (a bit more than fifty grand) was intended to be used in 'constructive' ways, such as canceling out the huge debts of the mortgage crisis and fixing the broken banking system, and while the public (the wife) assumed the banks would learn to be less risky in their behaviour (such as cutting out those fatty BBQ steaks) ... well, that's not what happened.

The huge profits and executive bonuses that various bailed out banks have made and paid recently were because they went to Vegas ... or rather the stock market ... with the bailout money.

I'm sure the banks would argue that the risks they took were better that the 47% you get for betting black on roulette. Perhaps it was more like playing blackjack with a really good counting system while the pit bosses (government officials) were on a break. The banks basically bet that the stock market would fall. It was a fairly safe bet, since the banks had triggered the whole downturn in the global economy in the first place, and by being bailed out were only reinforcing the belief that the sky (and stocks) were falling.

The wife in my little tale represents the general public. Technically, she has all the power ... she could after all divorce the husband (at least once every four years). But even if she does, she'll discover that all men are basically the same.

I blame the economy

The second of the Popmundo strips.

The Noodles in the Noggin'

I've been told by various people, mostly Rufus, that I've picked a bad time to switch careers to comic book writing. The "global economic downturn" ... a phrase meaning "Oh, my god, oh my god, there's going to be a class war once they work out we are taking all their money" ... means that publishers are scaling back.

But, like the old Soviets I have a five-year plan. Basically, until my youngest child gets to school age I can write without expectation or publication. After that, well, maybe I'll get a job with a name tag and a uniform ... or click on one of those web-ads that promises me I can earn $1500 a week from home?

So far the signs have been promising. Someone, namely Simon, is actually drawing my scripts. At least two people that aren't my wife are reading this blog. And there are "green shoots of recovery in the economy" ... a phrase meaning the rich feel they can still get richer, and they may drag a few stiffs up from the gutter on their way up.

In the meantime I buy "Hope Tax" ... a phrase meaning the national lottery. However, the powers-that-be seem determined not to pick my numbers. It's a conspiracy I tells ya! If I win there one thing for sure ... I won't post a blog about it. I still keep writing though. Writing isn't a path to success ... it's a means of keeping the noodles safe in the noggin'.

Art copyright Simon Morse